DOwn that horizon

2011-11-26T02:25:00.002+08:00

I ran out of love.

I grumbled to God why is this so, and I don't understand his reply.

I only trust that He knows what's best, because I'm now lost somewhere between hanging on to faith and wondering why do I even bother. In the face of surmounting evidences and reasons indeed, but somehow I don't feel the urge from my heart to want to return.

Maybe I'm being selfish, maybe I've tipped beyond the point of running on my own strength, and then realizing, perhaps I could just be allowed to do so on my own. Somewhere in my heart, I know its wrong, but I don't know how to remedy that. Its the kind of weakness you'll never want to admit. Not for the sake of ego and all i think.

Now this is so depressing stuff.

But for one moment, to be thankful for the things that have happened in life thus far. University is, wonderful. Maybe. Could be that the elation of the ending of the final exams is still settling in and that I find that life has a meaning once again now. Looking back, the friendships that budded seemingly out of nowhere, shows a promising light. Whereas those of the past seems to have taken a backseat a little, seeing that most of us are out there forging another world of our own.

The knowledge we gained, while awfully dreadful, is meant to serve a higher purpose after all. Certainly there are times I question my own resolve to maintain this path of study, at the very fundamental level of itself; I dislike math. But I love solving the problems. And all the more, I love being curious. And since I have been placed in this place, I might as well excel in it. More importantly, I need to find back the God-loving, excellence-seeking Chen Yang from those years ago.

What better than to do that surrounded by people who accepts your belonging amongst?

2011-08-11T01:32:00.003+08:00

Each time I find myself recording another milestone here, pondering about what really went on between the previous post and this, then did it really occur to me the true reality of how quickly time passes when you're not paying attention.

Or was it because there was a flurry of activities that was packed in this period that I felt it was a relief to have it pass over?

Lets see, there was Chingay, and then the job stint at Hougang Pharmacy, and the NDP project. Then came involvement in NUS camps and Rag and everything else became a quick blur because everyday was packed full.

While I'm not inclined to think too much about the negative parts of them, but really, this period of time I made a whole lot of friends and found my social circle being flipped one round over. So much so that when it comes down to deciding which circle to totally commit to, there's the conflict of interest between the groups.

Ok, lets just put it that I'm the kind who wants the pie and eat some of it. Although now to think, I'm making a big mess of it for being not focussed on the important tasks at hand. It quite disappointing to find out that the best that you could give, was not adequate to ensure that things run, even more so knowing that its your heart you cant trust to take you to success. The very act of following the desires of your heart, leads to you becoming the jerk in the eyes of many.

But my intent is pure, I still want to be the good guy. But in this time and age, trying too hard to be that isnt reallly going to get you very far in society. I'm struggling to get over the past mistakes and not be overly concerned with the disapproving glares of others.

So in this start of a new term, a new segment in life, may it be that something meaningful will come out of this. A new kind of experience that promises yet more challenge and a whole lot more of adventure. Maybe then, somewhere, I will find it.

2011-02-11T01:33:00.002+08:00

So i thought it be proper to write something down in this important crossroads in life.

Or so i think, save the fact that i'm next to worn out by the weeks and months of involvement in chingay. Not that i'm complaining though; it had been a monumental decision to sign up, but i guess what's different this time round is that now there's so much more than it meets the eye.

If anything learnt, I'll say, one should not take the small little things in each event for granted.

Oh wells, so it goes. My, what, near to 2 years of youth. Pooof, and its gone. What i got was a life changing experience, little thanks to the previous generations. Maybe i was inclined to be passive in this period, but always on the top of the list was to make this time worthwhile. No matter what i was supposed to do.

I feared, i passed, i endured, and i enjoyed this time. Not everything in life has to be gain afterall.

But what's in store for me in this next segment of life, it could be half a year lull, or it could mean the opportunity for another adventure. When i'm done with it, lets not be greedy alright. One step at a time.

God grant me the courage to meet these new challenges, and the opportunities not to be missed.

For now, Chingay comes. who has the heart to care about what ord?

2010-11-29T23:42:00.003+08:00

Wow.

It always feels good to sit down and start pondering over the events of each period of life. And more aptly so since a threshold was just passed.

I never really thought much about birthdays, until now. When the love was low and the friends were few, that when i think one can really feel the moment of joy when blessings are piled on.

I'll learn to love this moment after my return to normalcy.

And since i'm here as well....

Its near to the end of all that nonsense this year represented. But still, looking back, we've all grown. To each our own ways, we let go of the former immaturity and take up new challenges. We fall, we get slapped, we walk through the depths of the valleys and we've seen the sky, ultimately, we've grown.

I'm not about to say how much or how little, but a simple fact that as i look at the year that will come to a closure soon, i'm glad at the choices i've made. I've been to Chingay and i'm back in there again. I've picked up my Japanese, i've made my presense felt. And most importantly, I'm back with God again.

Though i'm terribly unfit now, but wells, that can wait:P

The trip overseas with the cell brought much to mind, and soon there'll be more to come. So guess i should see the day again when my heart is healed. Then, the funs truly begins.

2010-03-16T17:47:00.002+08:00

I not going to say time passes fast, well at least for this stage. At least its not dreadful like it used to be. Heh on the contrary, I'm limitless thankful for the series of events that happened that brings me to where i am now.

There's time to think, there's time to play, and there's time to pursue an alternative dream.
(save for the fact that there isn't discipline to keep fit).

I know, the experiences in volunteering, be it in the recent Chingay 2010 or otherwise, has helped to widen my view and capacity. Youth and young adults we are, but there's this thought at the back of my mind that we're all growing older.
No longer are we the innocent younglings who remain at our spot waiting to be taught, waiting to be led, to be influenced.

Instead, i find myself in a place where i need to teach, to lead, to bring across an ideology to the sub-generation before me. And to still remain teachable, and guided, a tricky balance that we do not fall for contempt to that of those who have more to teach than us.

Or so to say, those who are younger, but yet achieved more in this stage. I struggled in this before, and not forgetting the grace that brought me here, there wont be so much a full-blown jealously. Maybe a tinge of envy, and with it brings a whole surge of motivation to work towards a higher goal.

Yes there are friends whom i crossed paths with that has brought me a lot of motivation.

Youths we were, and perhaps, still vaguely so. Isnt it time to for us to have revelation of what our future will be like? Beyond the university degrees and job prospects? What is your dream, one that will ultimately define how you lived your life? Should we have started earlier to maintain a headstart advantage to our peers? Or do we stay on and learn more before emabarking on an adventure of our own?

I cant say for sure, but God in his wisdom has His plans for us all.

2010-02-09T00:12:00.002+08:00

I guess TT was right. Its nice to have something to mark each stage in life so that theres something you could look back upon and laugh upon it.

It serves too to remind ourselves of the lessons learnt and how to help others in future when they too go through their share of troubles, just like how you received help from others in your own time.

So much have passed and i dont have much to remember it for. Other than the constant reminder of the so many new friends who crossed path with me, its a comforting thought.
Yet with the abundance of time of this 2 year lull in life, we ought to take full use of this opportunity to pickup what we've lost.

To realign those young ambition which seemed to far away not so long ago.

Maybe, but after it wasnt meant for other people to know about anyway. So whats the point of blogging in the public?

Regurgitating words that comes through the mind so others or yourself next time could analyse your state of mind now. I think thats what happening to me. haha

2009-06-20T02:13:00.002+08:00

And slowly time is to drift away, again another crossroad was taken.
Just that this time , it was a little disappointment. Well not exactly demoralising, i do welcome that feeling of worth that comes along with it.

BMT passed with a high, an exhilarating finish, and an even better block leave that made me feel like a civilian again. Haha

Random panic seizures about the uncertainties grips me, often leave me wondering about my own capacity to achieve what i set out to do. And relying on raw perseverance and idealogy alone is not going to work everytime. Tested and proven NOT to work. Just look at how many times have I fallen to that temptation.

A reminder to myself to stay firm in that belief, and, always looking toward the liberation of this kind of life. Yea though its our turn to serve NS, though we all promise to do our best to be leaders to be great soldiers to be role models, we just cant wait for it to go away and never come back.

Shooo

2009-05-09T23:47:00.002+08:00

Wasnt it all well lived, the month or so time spent in the other world. Well at least that other island felt like a world of its own. It can get pretty hard to cope had it not been the constant encouragement both given and received. Though this is still in its early stage of formation, not battle hardened, its hard to say whether we will last as lifelong brothers, or just a memory that struggles to be maintained.

Safe to say, I'm coping well. Perhaps just need to pick up that outspokened side of me so as to maximise the time in there. No point living it all low-profile and let the time pass by is it?

On another note, movie at Eugene's place , Men of Honour, brought up my bugging matter at hand.

Do i really want a place in the navy?
Do i really know what i'm getting into.

I'm trapped in a passivity, knowing that nothing much i could do to affect the probability of really making it to the Navy, or for that case, qualify for OCS would be a more tangible goal to aim, and continue down the path from there.
Still there's that colour vision test to pass, which is another story on its own.

God willing, I can. Otherwise, there's no talk about it.

2009-04-14T00:05:00.002+08:00

Here it comes, another crossroad in life. Sneaked up on me so quickly that i didnt notice.

Yesterday i saw my last of my little island. Now its time to swap it for another island, one that, doesnt promise to be that all fun and frolic.
Still its not so daunting after all. Keeping in mind that i'm just one of the lost many that would have to go through the same situation, its somewhat comforting to know that unknown batches have came and went without much hiccups.

So its time i set my own things right, and once again to challenge myself in this new environment.
Even if it means i'll void my life once again.
And this time, i go without a burden.

2009-03-23T12:39:00.002+08:00

So i rested , hanged around, and for that once more , to sit down and think again.

And results day , was just , a lil epilogue of the journey. Yes it was fufilling , but not satisfying. What could have been that future, because i wont deny that a part of me desires for something more, something that puts me in that higher order , or level , or whatever of life. NO i'm not noble , no i dont think that i am that high above others. Maybe its just because i've been away from my own heart for so long, addressing issues that doesnt concern me, i'm neglecting myself.

So ouch, i've been shot, literally , yet i'm glad it hurt me just enough to put some sense into myself. Being considerate of how others might think, or might feel, as a direct consequence of my own actions. Draw back and hold your own line they say, yes it might just work. After all time isnt a lot left for me . About 3 weeks to enlistment, thought i should just set things right before this season is over.

Back to the point of future, there's that university applications to consider. Same case as when choosing JC, i hit the borderline of what i wanted , and then , in faith , let God be the one to choose my path. While not always feasible , at least there's this rear-end sercurity comfort that makes worth its while.

While my own obnoxious behaviour of indecisive past still haunts my resolution, lets hope that this time , since the choice of course could well determine the career path, let it be guided again .

Let God guide me again .

I'm returning home .

2009-03-06T00:27:00.002+08:00

There's no running away , there's no point running away , so have courage in the face of it. LIke what they said , 123 days after the end of the last paper, our journey through education of this level will finally close.
One that , with all faith , may bring a relief and joy, of a brighter future. Though too early to speak as of , i guess no amount of intentional distraction from that reality would work . Result comes.

And all those endless days of working , is just, just another add-on to that ultimate aim. While education may not just be for the sake of securing that job prospect , choosing the career path, it does mean as a challenge on a personal level, of how high up can you stand up to against tens of thousands of peers , using a fair and equal gauge.

My heart may fail , but it does not yield .

2009-02-16T13:29:00.002+08:00

Time for that long due breather, busy busy much since last month, from the awesome flowers fest where everyone gave in a portion of our lives to the event. Then the genting trip to reward ourselves with a little bit of busy entertainment.

Yeps a new chapter opens up , with that little island in mind, though this may be one of those short lived memories. And a time where the changeover, letting go of the past hurts and growup once more , learning from this fall that, my own strength was actually so limited.
Trusting that this is part of a divine plan , so that there be a worth in all these that i do.

I start from scratch again , but that, that was my passion.

2009-01-21T01:48:00.002+08:00

I just hope, if possible, that i'm still perceived as the good guy, because ultimately i dont intend to casue deliberate hurt to anyone, stranger or friend.

And in times where the wounded is to be picked up and tended to , i dont try to stab him down. That is my principal, my promise to myself, that'll i always align myself with the light side, if only ever there was a clear line betweeen.

I still care.

2009-01-15T22:48:00.003+08:00

Perhaps yea , now its what feels like being an adult.

Haha , not in the practical sense , but just feels like. Being responsible for every action , even if it means ending up some days a jobless street bum, or the sting of full-costs of transportation. Walking along the road couple days back got me thinking. No school , no teachers , no classmates to be accountable for. I'm just like anyone along the street, an adult?

It seems so much to be suddenly heaped with that knowledge. Even more so having spent the first half of the month immobilised by those darn mosquitoes, and missing out on those little events.

Its kind of like being left out of something big. Something that hits me particularly hard, and its not going away with time. Changes that occurred without me being witness to the transition, and thrown out into the reality, facing it like strangers do. No longer having that same old sense of belonging to my old people, and like the past, its had been.

People you spend too much time with, turns strangers overnight. Not literally strangers , just , a realization that i dont know others as much as i'm supposed to, a barrier of sorts hindering that vital communication .

And frankly what happened today proved my own point. Surprisingly , i'm more inclined to speak with strangers , more at peace in talking with acquaintances than i would be comfortable in speaking with the supposedly closest bunch of friends around me.
That for some reason, a conversation with one that's not familiar with , we all tend to put on the most polite faces , presenting the most pleasant side of ourselves, and being more open to sharing information of ourselves , albeit superficial.

And not, living in a pre-formed paradox of other's behaviours , and others to us.
Being around "close" friends , it seems like a normal thing to do to think that we know best how to interpret their behaviour and mood status.
And that pretty much , destroys the whole purpose of being friends.

I'm working on it , but i can only change my thinking, and influencing others, doesnt sound like my field. Nopes.

2008-12-27T22:44:00.001+08:00

Where do i start ?

This kind of end of year period where there's a lot to reflect about, and put a proper finishing sentence to the whole year, however well lived or regretful it may have been.
If i was to really bunch up the two years in jc together as one distinct period of my life, certainly there's this whole chunk of missing pieces something that i frown upon even myself.

Something has led me to think along this line, because it was in this two years that i jolted off active attendance in church, and it wasnt really quite what i was thinking of.

Its not that being in church automatically makes one somewhat more sanctified, but certain values and messages did shape my life and uphold the morality and conscience which i took for granted. Thus began the slip from grace, deteriorating inner strength, and a growing dissatisfaction that never had been. No, i'm saying Canoeing in this two years did, and had been a source of motivation to me, and a great growing experience, but i knew, i just knew , i was missing out on something.

Only recently was it revealed to me, by constant interaction and exchanges of opinions, since i do admit i cant see much of my own negative side, that i'm becoming the very monster that i swore to defeat.

Say that again?

My fantasy tale was never true to begin with. There was no knight-in-shining-armour story, I was the very monster that i never thought could be. Struggling with those inner conflicts and temptations, eroded morality, faded conscience. Its a kind of closure for this two year episode , one that i thought i was fighting an formidable opponent out of chivalry? Dream on.

But i know, at least i know now.

So i yield, not as a defeated warrior, but because i finally see the greater picture, the bigger story, and where exactly i fit in , and those are not the roles thats being right to play. Right with a purpose.

And what a relief , at least now i'm back where i belong. Still there's those broken ties and friendship thats still to be found again.
Because ultimately, to belong, is a privillege. To belong to something, someone, someplace.

2008-12-25T01:25:00.003+08:00

Heaven is singing Tonight !
Can you hear that Heaven is singing Tonight?
City gates be open wide
Our King of Kings have come inside
Heaven is singing Tonight!

Coincidentally, thats those first line that was playing on my phone Mp3 as i was on my way home tonight, and yes , despite all those nonsense i had to go thru for today, wasted trips and wasted money, but yes! Heaven must really have been singing. (Merry christmas or happy birthday?)

Another Christmas , another commemoration , once again, its a same feeling .

Back at those two thousand years ago where they say the Angels of heaven put up a dazzling display of light. I'm trying to imagine that you know, something more glorious than auroras or fireworks, something that was put in place intentionally as a celebration. A celebration of God , in all His glory, must have been ... Wow.

And maybe its me , or maybe its just the way i felt, a sense of peace in this night. Even though the very conflicts i shunned , hated and feared , was going on, yet, overwhelming peace.
That even if it came to the worst, i knew a part of me will live on and take the challenge again.
A fight worthy of a warrior, one that would, well, bring to light all those hidden secrets and untold emotions. For once , i was able to hold it. For once , it didnt affect me the way it always did. I'm utterly grateful.

Still , its a night to behold. It feels more special than my own birthday, at least it was spent in a way more special.

Happy Birthday Jesus!! lolx

2008-12-14T21:11:00.002+08:00

I think the problem's with me, who just cant freaking make the effort to resolve issues that doesn't really serves it purposes well.

Or just put it simply, I don't know how to.

I do admit that I'm not all that brave-hearted, not all so certain about my own central question.
We all seem to ask, "Do I have what it takes?" , and seemingly submit ourselves to seek out our own answer for it. For the validation of our manhood perhaps, or simply ego-centric mindset.

Moving fast, as we approach the final stretch of the year, maybe its time to sit down and slowly reflect of this year's goals, and what remained undone. Maybe give myself a pat on the back for things well done, and a stern reprimand for what appears to be cowardice and incompetence on my own part. Ouch

And i really do admire people who can find that inner strength to stand up for a true principle to believe in AND walk in total adherence to it. Even if it mean turning away from what seems to be the norm and expected, alienating from the wrong company , or just plain abstinence. These don't come easy.

Tearing my heart apart each time i see it, never really having enough courage for a confrontation, not in the negative sense, but for the greater good of everyone. And i hate being left out, being a bystander and onlooker , and not able to be involved, or denied the choice of involvement. Strong choice of words i know, but its just how I do some internal management of my own heart.

I rather lend my strength to whomever need it , than to see it seep away while i look helplessly.

That sucked.

2008-12-12T15:41:00.002+08:00

So much more that have passed , a bit older now , so to say, as much as i would want to record down all t hose little side lessons learnt from life in detailed acccounts , never really having got to work untill they're just fragments of useless thoughts.

So what have passed?

Training for marathon , birthday, rotting around , Prom, marathon and the Perth trip. What do i have to say? Loads.
Not now i guess, its in the peak of the afternoon and there's something else to do. Well i made that up.
Sometimes i wonder now that A levels are over, where have everybody gone?

2008-11-17T15:13:00.002+08:00

For everything that's yet to be done, to all as it seems, its over.

Oh yeah or so it feels like. Except for that physics mcq paper that lurks tmrw, otherwise, A levels, woh, what an end.

The finishing didnt really feel that bad, its always the period leading up to it that feels like the darkest moment. Appears to be so, since almost everyone, including myself, would try to compare how it feels like to O levels times. Same MOE thingie, same system, just 2 years apart. Makes it all the more natural to link the two periods together.

Which is more stressful? I cant tell, its all the same. Being ever optimistic seems to have its pros.

BUt otherwise, yea now thats what got me stuck in the sch library here now with pretty much nothing much better to do than walk around and do some random practice. THey say the last fight is always the most spectacular, and i agreed.
They just never said that it applies for exams, and even more not so with a weirdo time table like this . ZZZ

SCHOOL!~~~
Whatever not is there to be missed, which amounts to plenty, all those things yet to be done and faces yet to be seen and greetings not exchanged. Worries, toilings , amusement, learning, growing up .

Yea growing up.

Guess today, or tomorrow at least, walking out the school gate would hold great meanings. As when stepping into the school compound for the first time about 2 years back, we've all changed. Safe to say, we've all grown up. We've all been shaped into what we are now, its time to move on. Yea tmrw , tmrw it is.

I'll feel lost after exams, without trainings , without a team to belong to , without a purpose or timetable to follow. Yes its time , time to grow up.

2008-11-02T22:50:00.002+08:00

This close , I guess i have nothing much to say.

Its here at the doorstep, taking on the role of a proper student again. An exam to face. THE Exam to face. While melancholy seems to dangle in the air, stress levels, long absent, transcends to stratospheric levels.

Maybe its not the stress of the exam, its the anticipation, the impact it could potentially have on our future.
Ironic it may be, for what we thought a demi-potent human, has to enslaved by paper. Literally.
Much things to care about, much more left to be done. I would have learnt to appreciative of such lifestyles , studying studying and more studying, at least there's a purpose to what we do.

If God is present in this, then let it go according to that divine plan ordained for our good. I'm tired, like , tired. I want my life back, but i don't know what kind of life would i get back.

I wish you were here with me again..

2008-10-30T01:09:00.002+08:00

So then may this testify to the hurt you've inflicted, and may I earn my right to appear blameless like before, in due time.

Ouch. I swore i could hear the shatter.

2008-10-24T00:14:00.002+08:00

We seek continuosly after a destiny we believe that was available to claim, or so to say a future in sight, the way we were taught to achieve our goal. Yes studying is the socially accepted highway to a better life , a better career , and goes on.

But no one ever said that path was easy to take.

Perhaps its not saturated yet, would there ever be a point where i could say that , yea, i'm done studying, everything i need to know , i know. That was the point, what if we were to be given another month to study, would i learn to appreciate it? Still to say that in this given amount of time, this two years in JC , its those who makes the most out of his time wins. In each respect of course, well i could spend two year hidden from the civillisation mugging my brains off, and get my As, but that, would i really have won my part of the fight?

Looking back, maybe there were regrets, bad decisions, bad management and insufficient efforts. Yea get it over with done with, we all like to say. BUt right before the exam , wouldnt one more day of efforts seem so precious to us?

I looked on, and waited for that time to pass, and i realised that i'll rather have sealed off my heart and retarded the pain. And so we enter the final stages of the MOE shield, finally after the 12 years, or say like eugene mentioned the 99.1234556% of general education, yea, maybe its time for the wild hearts and brave souls to taste the real world.

PpLe around me are turning 18, a threhold of young adulthood. So i assume that while we're no longer the young and naive we were, theres still more to be leaernt and embraced.

For now yet, we brace for the next adventure ahead.

2008-10-09T16:27:00.002+08:00

Ayee , i was supposed to have quite a bit of thought to put in , but upon logging it most of it was gone.

HOw should i put it , this is supposed to be those most memorable times in jc, or rather , because thereafter there wont be anything much to remember since today was offically the farewell assembly. Something that we denied existence of, something that we all believed it was still going to be a while more before it came. Yes , JC IS OFFICALLY OVER. BUt like the sppech person today on stage, i agree too , it still hasnt set into me yet, and still wont.

And unlike what all those emo-mongers predicted, it wasnt like a sniff-sniff crying event, nor did pple hug each other in tears and proclaiming words of best-fren-forever and the likes. And no romantic guy went up to stage to confess to his girl. Just songs , plenty of happy memories, taking pic, and busy collecting presents and listening to speeches. In other words , it felt like JC-2-Day.

Cools and know what, it hasnt sink into me. JC is over. *shrugs*

We've all come through all those things a JC student i supposed to have been, looking at juniors rush and frolic over their pw is somewhat quite interesting and thinking back about those days when we too were engrossed in it. Its always like this that things when we look back at it, it becomes fun and interesting and memorable, but while in the midst of it, it stinks.

Well , let me try to get a little more into the mood....

Oh wells, it just wont come. I'm like stuck here in school , for a lonely graduation day because something fouled up and the supposed classs outing went bonks. Its not like its the first time i'm left out, ok not left out, just owing to the circumstances there isnt pple to be around. Makes me realise too how narrow my social circle is.

Past week or so spent stuck in the sch lib too , mostly alone. Still again , i think my old problem of mild autism is starting to kick it no thanks to the constant retaliation of books. I dont talk much, people have reflected to me that it makes pple less willing to talk, and all the more makes it harder for me to talk to other people, and so the cycle goes. That being said , its saying that i'm expected to try and be the one taking the initiative to keep conversations alive. Yet i find it quite a chore to keep thinking of new topics or catch phrases to do that. Not that i'm not interested though, just it takes a wee bit more effort in some than in others. Not complaining, just, yea do bear with me when i happen to mess up logic with fact.

I'm worried for A levels. Like wow, i dont think i need to speak on behalf of pple to know that ,there are pple who still keep fresh memories about being a freshman in junior college. Exams are nearrr , scarily near , its a make or break, and we're here to make our mark.

Bidding goodbye to green berms, welcoming the touch of blue slacks. It seems like yesterday
Yea and in a few more month i'll have to welcome the ugly digi-camo pants.

2008-09-22T00:07:00.002+08:00

And fully going on, an amazing week that flew up and again.

Save the fact that A levels looms in the shadows ahead, while we work so hard to try to find a way thru the tunnel. Once set in tracks, there doesnt seem to be an alternate junction to switch. No its not in my mind to want that either.

SAJC tea reception on Wed, a farewell of sorts for our beloved sportsmen of the school. Or so its supposed to be. That short video comprised of our years worth of effort, of team-hood and growth. For every sport team therein, a closure and a handing on.

Coach had us reflect on the meaning behind viewing the video. How hard was it for you, in your years in the sport, to raise a fist and punch the air in triumph? It means a lot hey, because only a select few would get to do it. The euphoria , of even just winning beyond expectations, of reaching a pre-determined goal, and seeing yourself through it. And i guess, there were times i felt that way too. One little moment, one chance to live it.

Yet I find myself at this stage, far from the flaming passion of the sport. The time spend at the books erodes one's conviction if left unattended.

Paddling on saturday served to reassure myself that i would not completely fall away from rowing. Coach's nelos arrival was the perfect excuse for some of us to take the opportunity and find back ourselves at the reservoir. No stress, no limitations , just a boat , a paddle and the boundaries of the reservoir.

Studied somemore after that. Facing the failure of my quest to shed the dependancy on other pple when revising work. Yes its effective and productive to study alone. But sometimes , it gets miserably lonely.. So having someone around, keeps me sane.

Churched again, finally finding back a chance to mix around with people , however short. Makes me feel like a new friend once again, welcomed, treasured and much of interest.
Not that i seek after that , but so long have fell away since JC , not having been active in the events nor attendance in church. Having someone to be mutually accountable in such matters does help.

And hence it was a decision made that long ago, this was where i shall be rooted, whether in sound doctrine or just the church-culture uniqueness to stick to. Because if i was to go to any church on sundays, i might as well be back at my home church, where to some certainty a word is to be received.

If a word from God that could change eternity is to be spoken, then heck , i am not taking the chances and miss out on it.

2008-09-01T00:49:00.002+08:00

I think long accepted that fact, that once this thing is done with, sports season is over, the J2s, or if you would call that , the classes of '08, we fade to the background. School for the past weeks were spent in the library, ( cept for that once i ponned and got caught on the way out but got away anyway) , selectively choosing the lessons to go for.

Somehow, the class is getting closer, not in a fact that, thats how much a short hectic JC stay can get us close enough. We're pretty much on our own i guess, some teachers and frens around to get by and then, ultimately the responsibility for keep the pace of revision falls on our own shoulders.

At this start of a new month , barely 2 months from biggest goal of JC life, its time to stop a while and think. Prelims are here i know, but they dont mean a thing compared to the real deal. Just a couple months ago i was entrenched in the trance that all that there was a kayaking showdown come A divs.

Keeping fit was life, attending training was life at its best.

To put it that way, a time for everything in its season.

And now the time is not for that. However much time we spent preparing for our races and everything, its over, seemingly way in the past. (i'm getting fat all over again)

Just for keepsake , all that is happening, to treasure the time we still have together, as schoolmates,classmates teammates wateva. Jc is coming to an end soon. I'm still guilty of not treasuring quality time. It makes even the more worthwhile to think about it. We're not the hotshots we thought we were. Batches come and go, someday, we're all but a beautiful history, both in our and other's minds.

A history worth remembering , a love worth giving.

2008-08-10T21:15:00.002+08:00

Guess there are people that I naturally cant mix with, or dont want to , or just plain simply dislike. I know its not supposed to happen this way, but its quite scary to find out just how negative your mind can form an image of him( her/it) everytime no matter what is done.

Growing out of it will take sometime, and self-talk seems to serve the purpose in trying to decide the path to take.

Its quite a mystery, considering how little i know about or understand in this field of study. Unless of course i experience first hand and decipher the underlying meanings of the interactions. Pulling out, getting a clearer view than being stuck up in a selfish and self centered view on things, and realise just how petty I can get.

Yet i choose to believe in one mask i created, and thats just me as I see it, and trying to become. Danger point here, cos i dont know where it will lead to, or what it ends up as. God merciful enough to show and guide me, if not i may just lose myself in the daily goings.

On random note , i think i need to go on a cold turkey on coffee. Its amazingly addictive and i cant live without. I know , so i want to prevent myself being enslaved.

2008-08-03T20:39:00.001+08:00

Wow and then, I became lost in the mess that came thereafter. Not mine, definitely not mine, but under every circumstances I just had to poke myself in. Fine fine that me.

And life requires a little more than adaptation, now without trainings, the weekends become a time lapse to fill. Like yah, something to make myself worth the time spent. Nigel came and spent the week cos he, of all things, had to get out of the house because of some family conflict. Aye which otherwise got me to had to semi pack the room a bit, ok not really just the table and bed. Nicen it up a bit, since when was the last time I spent time in the room other than for sleeping.

Hmm which otherwise brought up the point when seeing Qian’s place, provided a little insight on how to get a tit more organized, afterall now that no more trainings, time has to spent studying yo. And it wont do having a room that supports little productivity. Spent the Saturday packing my files and papers and revamping it a while, planned a personal study timetable and sorts. Wells its time to shift the gear a notch, mindset to be shifted, just that I wonder how long this surge of studying enthusiasm will last.

On a random note , today was super charged up, like yeah literally. Got 3 static shocks just in a single shopping trip out.

Then again it was yet another of those minor little details along the street that caught my attention. Down in novena MRT’s tunnel link, the long long one that links to united square, an echo-y walkway, came the music of a street busker. Factor in the possibility that he’s been around for some time already, the voice, strong and enunciating his words well.

And the words drifted, coupled with a too familiar tone “ God will make a way…when there seems to be no way…” . How comforting huh.

You get my point, it applies, every time, even when days are not troubled and nights are not emo. Sounds good enough, the beauty of the song. Aye

2008-07-21T22:58:00.002+08:00

Wow .

The day came. NCC was nothing, a nice epilogue to my short career, and it really didnt matter whether a win or not. I learnt to appreciate races in the way they are. We stand at a point in canoeing, this is how far we managed to achieve. In years to come there will definetely be more glorious positions, I'm content to leave it this way, not because i didnt want to win, but cause i won myself over. To a side i knew i might never step upon unless i was in the team.

That was it all. We poured ourselves out in time, in an undefined quest. Someday, we always say, an end would come. One end did come. Today was one of the endings we'd loved to see, and yet a beginning of another phase.

Looking back, we'll see each of our days etched in memory, of once upon a time when strangers we were came together for a common pact. ONe that defined who we are now. Like now . I'll learn to love each and everytime we as one, to love and treasure, next to the heart so close.

I'll learn to remember the good times, the lessons we got and conveniently forget the bad.

I'll learn to remember you, for all the great time together you gave .

2008-07-14T00:34:00.002+08:00

I know i ought to be.

The feeling's getting blunted by the recent events unfolding one after another, it'll take some time for it to come back .

There was this once when i thought i was invincible with time, that is , given that time , i could do everything and anything. Think again, because it doesnt come free. Behind that will be the untold history leading to the day.

Nats came and went , and I felt the pain.
Not for missing the mark, because to say very realistically , even at this point in time , a gold medal was a dream, one that wasnt yet to come to pass.

But the fact to miss that very personal goal , stings.

I wasnt about to throw in the towel, but natural selection at its best is a cruel killer, to the one thats being annexed out of the chain. What hurt most , is to have let down what others have held in expectations the most. It wont kill me not to sweep medals off the tally, but for the team , the teachers and everyone behind us , i failed. Failed to contribute to the score tally, failed the very value of each individual rower was to any team . Failure at semis was equilavent to failure at the start ; it didnt make any difference if they were to hold quarter finals, because a drop there , wouldnt matter if u failed right at the heats .

It was a metal claim that counts , or so to say , it was a final placing that counted points. The point being , I missed it.

No i'm not being emo , so dont try to console me because there's nothing to console over.

Race, ok race , lets put a little recount of the day.

Cameraman on tues , doing what i felt was a natural thing to me, to capture those moments from a viewpoint that would make it most valuable in memory.

Came late on wed , knowing that i'll thrash myself out later. Took a walk around the venue , abosrbing the atmosphere, having pple stare at you for various reasons ; mutual-rivalry, team-rivalry, or just simply because i was blocking their path.
Being mindful of the surroundings , sat down, and hyped myself up with music. (others say its to calm yourself down, but i came late specifically not to get too caught up and anxious that i needed to be calmed. Heck i even played the piano in the morn)

Its hard to believe its here, but guess we have to take it as it comes. Chee hao was being very relaxed, lazing around , wandering chatting and doing every other thing that racers do not do before a race. Maybe that his way to preparation. I reminded him of the plan , the quick changeover of races , and went for warmups.

The rest is history , you know what happened then , my hefty half-hearted k1 qualifying heats, jumped up the pontoon (and cut someone's queue for the weighing station) , yelled at pple to make way and hobbled to the launch bay, drank stretched , at went off for K2. Dun ask me why its so close , blame the organizers. Heck at least we made it thru heats , otherwise there'll be lots of grumbling from me .

I kinda underestimated the burnout effects of doing 2 max sets at one go . Paddling uplane only i had to ask to slow down to catch up. And from starts i couldnt channel the power like i usually do , doing only enough, if any less, to negate my own presence and hope that there's enough in CHee to last us through. No bursts , no pickups , just a cruise to finishing , on and off checking to make sure it wont end up a disaster .

It didnt, scrapped the qualifying , and well , i had to apologise to chee for that heats, at the line . It wasnt anywhere near ideal, to paddle that way. (if you had a video, you'll know why) . beautiful disgrace .

That was heats for me.

(its freaking late now , and i still want to record down more of my personal account of the events before they're gone off memmory forever . Crap on hold till tmrw)

2008-07-07T22:14:00.002+08:00

"Winning isn't everything. It's not the most important thing, But in a race, it's the point"- Adam van Koeverden

We come so far, for one point . And it has come. Or rather, we have reached it.

When training ended today , i guess no one in any mood already to be talking any more about motivating and the likes , for that matter , at least i was not . While flashes of black-and-white still images embedded in the mind of the past events that have happened in the years leading up to now , of the times us as one team have been through , is enough to overwhelm one's senses and trigger a case of night-emo-syndrome, its a defining moment.

There are no certainties in that , anything can happen , and it probably would. There wont be a next time , "next race i'm going to focus more on this" , or " damn i should have been doing that " , for now , we have ended our time in the official training program. In short , we have graduated. What's left is our turn to prove to ourselves and others , how much have we done to deserve that fate which we will determine.

A defining moment in history, and a legacy to be left behind, in your own lives only. For down as years go by, no one will really care who would have won tmrw , (except maybe if you break world record yeah) , and batches down the road , your name would not be in the competitors rosters .

What you bring back are but memories , pictures videos and images of the past , of each others company , of laughter, of joy, of pain, of tears . When the waves calm and fears stilled , will you still remember how it felt like to be in the water ?

It is yet of time to tell , but for tmrw , we race (not all of us aye) .

2008-07-03T23:34:00.002+08:00

We used to think it mattered , like yeah the world's pinned on your shoulders . Really ?

While the tension permeates through the air, each one's a dream of victory. And only one , one will get the public recognition of victory. But tons more , will break their own limits , then mental and physical block that was unwittingly set in place by the harshness of reality and selfishness of Man.
There will be, people to tear you down , people to wear you out . Lots of them . Take the dare and dunk them like doughnuts, and it will be soon over. I'm saying that because , we're all surrounded and protected by each other in the team , and in every other team out there the same goes.

Other schools racers , like us , share untold bonds amongst each other, each a unique story to tell. However much so we outwardly put on the fierce fighting nature we're trained to become, ultimately , one week later , for some there will be euphoria of winning , and some the disappointment of missing. But all across every school , there will be broken hearts , to finally admit the cold hard facts . It going to be over soon.

Times are going fast , and friends we are , won't last.

Before we even start to think of that , its now , all or nothing, to scale the barriers , and put this time an end , beautifully.

2008-06-22T23:51:00.002+08:00

And so , holidays over .

That phase of training is over , and before we step into the reality of BT2 , stop while, take inventory.

Couple hours to BT2 , Couple days to Nationals , not so scary does that sound actually. For all we could prepare, whether or not were the regrets left behind , regrets of whether we could have done more or achieved more, its over. No more time for another routine, no more chance for a rematch.

And it has always been , since the start of last year we've been told to anticipate the coming of tougher times, and when finally we learn to embrace it , it not so tough after all. Slap me up if necessary, i dont feel anxious for the time being. A timely sense of peace from heaven if thats what it is , to keep me calm.

Let it come , let the block test come. Let the racers come.

2008-06-10T23:53:00.003+08:00

And I just didnt realised i could get so tired , of the many things that seemed so significant yet meant little.

NOt saying such , but yeah , this a rare time to be training with our secret "mentor" , a rare opportunity , that was so randomly handed to us . BUt yet somehow i cant really find words to fill the gap of memory , right maybe i'm tired enough that way.

Training, racing, fuelled by maybe not passion , but an external expectation of the need to do better. Driven by ego perhaps, of not wanting to lose. NOt to teammates , not to rivals.

Do forgive me for the incoherent phrasing , things are really not up my senses , and my butt isnt really forgiving to me . Putting in a post so at least i'll remember something out of this period of time that was supposed to , well mean alot to any canoeist, but i cant find the words nor linguistic flaunts to describe.

I'm beginning to find out how little you actually meant, because i cant give out forever, more than my equal share of the offering . So well , its my long awaited time to let go , not fully , but gradually , painlessly , yet carrying a load full of lessons learnt . Wow.

2008-05-22T23:28:00.002+08:00

Last week of term 2 .

And it seemed rather far way then , this crucial period we looked forward to in anticipation and fear. Anticipation i say, because we saw how it things would go from past year experience, only this time, we're the ones taking the shot.

Start of the june hols training, telling that its time to get over with unsettled business and go full force. Leave no room for regrets , that at the end you'll have fought the good fight of faith.

I'm looking forward to it, time trials this sat. Things happen in the past weeks that quite jittered my senses , that, i'm not quite the person i thought i am. Or rather , i'm not as good as i would want myself to be , that i had saw myself gleeming to become.

And as a team , because , they 'll probably take up the bulk of the memories of being in college. Being able to live up to expectations isnt a easy feat. I know, i live it everyday.

Tasted failures , and grew so fonder of that heart wrenching pain. When emotional trauma can transcend into physical hurt, that you quite literally feel the heart squeezed out of life. Hence that phrase was thus coined probably.

Too bad block test has have to cut our momentum, but then, its in the face of insurmountable mountain tasks , that we'll get to learn the beauty of the landscape, and the strength of your will and conviction.

So take the time once again, for i shall have to constantly remind myself for what do i keep fighting for.

2008-04-27T21:17:00.002+08:00

There's no holding back now , we're close , so close to finality , the one showdown that pretty much define my JC life. (A levels or A'div? choose )
The window is shutting , as i said, there's isnt time to start thinking about what we shouldnt be , despite all that grudging in the past year. Its ok , move on and be happy, maybe there'll be a another time in the future and we can try again . aiyo eh

Its a painful fall no doubt , and it takes sometime to get over with it. The sting remains to remind of that , so you'll just have to work harder.

Give your all , so expected of you.

PA race, so we fought on home ground, we could say its an advantage. Afterall , some say ( i also say) Bedok's water is heavier, more dense, for some unexplained physics theories. BUt its no excuse for letting your guard down. Its hard fought , worthy, very worthy, but its not even the tip of the iceberg. Afterall , not all schools came , its not a big event, RedSports didnt even bothered to cover it .

I did all i could with whatever i can , so i wont really blame the small little screw ups , afterall everyone do screw ups, so do the opponents. We just overcome it. So did i . OK there were ups and downs, I beat some of those whom i targeted out to beat. I held out against others who were well making out their name in the scene.
Maybe i am too . ? :P

Maybe they trembled when they saw my name in the same race list ? Ha its a nice nice dream .

Ok fine , i fought , and by a fluke or slip or scramble of luck ... i did not .. get it ... . That morning , 1st race . It struck me hard. Really hard . Hard enough for me to crush the can of drink i held as i watched the update of the score screen. Hard enough for me to rethink where i stood in this scene.

It painful, i say again , to realise that after everything's said and done, you're just not adequate .

Maybe we could complain that its not really a fair fight, not on even standings, not having a better starting advantage over. After all we use 1 1/2 years to train against most who go on at least 5 years of training.
While not saying that its nothing, hey those years count for something. And it means we have our work cut out for us. And long ago we've realised the cold hard facts .

We're fast. They're just faster . Cos they work hard. And we just have to work harder.

2008-04-10T23:00:00.002+08:00

OH yeah we have a camp tmrw. That and again , we come to a stage in which the cycles of last year repeats again, and this time we're sitting in a different perspective. For once , we are not strangers like we used to be , this time last year. Stronger people, higher expectations, and its not really that hard to see the progress we've come by.

On a very random note, wheeeeling joined the class in the past week, and appears to be doing surprisingly well for someone who's ripped from a class whom have spent an entire year with. Being put into , well not a very lively class, and not a very hardworking class. Aye commendation goes to her for being strong!

Which when everyone's growing up, physically , emotionally as well, going through the ups and downs of life.
Random things happens all around the week. SC came to talk to me about her problems with her BF and things like that, and while i've become more than the brash childish CAT HIGH guy since the last time we met, its still doesnt feels right enough. For that i cant say anything thats somewhat useful, some cheap consolation about guy's perspective and suggestions and random comments. Bringing it closer to the heart, makes me kinda realised how prepared i am to handle issues like this.
(Note: it doesnt mean I'm gay, its just i'm not as ready as i would think i am to be)

So yah, dun take me for granted, as in , dun think i'm here forever. heh

Video analysis today !
And its quite interesting , because finally after so much viewing of toehrs paddling, doing storkes and learning technique, finally we get to see ourselves in the water from a thrid point perspective. Comparing that to the video i have of myself from last year july race, a lot have been since .

Call me ego haha, but i like to see myself paddling.

I like to see myself breaking through, i like to see a dream come to pass, that when a certain race is won, and that winner is myself. And i like to think about it, dream about it, believe in it.

I'm not the fittest around, i definitely cant run as fast as some around me can, i dun have the stamina boost, i dun have the muscle strength and endurance.

I , have a dream, and that , holds for everything i can achieve, right now, and maybe in the future.

2008-04-07T23:44:00.003+08:00

Cos now as we look back at the time that passed , its a luminous flash , that , well doesnt really felt that it has been well lived. But its time passed nonetheless , and face the fact, time, is running out.

For schoolwork, because with each passing day mean new syllabus being taught, more homework, done or undone (or not intended to be done) comes haunting every student. And the deadline for submission for the JC life ,ie. the A levels, stalks closely behind. Not that we seek to run away from it, nor are we really looking forward to it.

Its time thats the limiting reagent.

C'mon if we could live a thousand years i'll take ten years to complete my A levels.

For canoeing too, if you would look at it this way. Its not even being about the end of the year showdown. July doesnt qualify to be end-of-year. But its our showdown, the one-and-a-half year of effort, of time , of trainings and dedication and commitment and sacrifice. Condensed into a few minutes of water time . It counts.

We saw a glimpse of it in the past few weeks, the MR 500 and NJCC , which well , I would not exactly want it to reflect my achievements. Yeah not good , but its just how things have worked out to be.

As William Hung would have put it " I have done my best and I have no regrets."

Maybe, just so maybe, i dont want to admit that my best. Afterall it sucks to be slammed with the cold hard facts that , your best is simply not enough. Not enough , not comparable to others, not significant to others. And hence the only way is to press on, flailing wildly acting like clowns, or just retreat into seclusion and train for the Gold again.

Someone once told me we from Bedok are like monks deep in meditation retreat training, in seclusion where nobody sees, nobody hears, only when we emerge from hiding and wield our weapons in the battlefield did people start realising we're a threat afterall.

That's an optimistic view, considering if anyone even bothered to think we're a threat at all. Fine neveryoumind, go on thinking that way and perhaps, if not surely, when we next emerge from the monastery we'll have something else to show.

I dont have much to talk about it, NJCC came and went and was ... was... part disgrace part honour. Disgrace because i lost a race due to a rather stupid reason i'd kick myself for that. But owing to my emotional repair mechanism , i got over it quickly , ( about as quickly as it took for me to return from the 1000m startline having been dropped the bomb by race officials). Maybe i would have cried there and then had i not been through all that wear and tear of mental hardships.
But the end of it, i shrugged and laughed it off. Next time then..

Honour , not exactly very honour, personal bests are like self deposit in the bank of your self-esteem. And breaking it feels like striking the lottery. Winning a race is like being handed interest dividend payouts.
I struck my lottery though they didnt give me any interest payouts, and well, got to make a lot of random friends on and off the water. Fine to just say that there's alot more to have been there, and the gains are the lessons learnt.

There's more to it that just being in Macritchie. Afterall we spent nearly a full month training there, enduring the strict rules, the competitive environment, bad facillities, crowded lanes and hell lot of rain and storm and that anti-climax land training from coach at the carpark.
The weird stares we get from the resident teams, the hospitality received from schools with good ties with :D , the faulty A2 shed lock , fun playing with the drain water during a heavy downpour, the damaged C2 D: .

Its part of us now, and also the fact we see how competition from rivals really looks like, and the gaps we needed to catch up, not forgoing the fact that how much we've come ahead of some others, if that is but some cheap consolation.

And its just the days in Macr.

2008-01-31T23:59:00.000+08:00

Marathon's over. MSA's over. We start over again.

Could it be ? Lest i fail my own hopes again, that this tests shall make up for the past. Yep and i may not have done everything possible to do well, yet i did as much was in grasp to achieve, some in some out. Nonetheless its over and let it be over. Look forward to the next challenge ahead

Marathon hmm, guess its just how things turn out least expected. Notwithstanding the medals i forgone, which was in grasp, but held little purpose in doing so. Yeah it could have been my glory to claim , but that glory didnt belong to me anyway. Nevertheless the thanks goes out to all who have and did helped in one way or another to make the week so pleasant to train, race in . One way or another, its over yes, and we have probably enough time to reflect on it before moving on again.

Talk about glory,
We always say: Praise God , Glory to God etc etc... What does glory, to God, meant?

Nothing actually.

I wont be offended if someone told me the same thing i figured. Glory didnt mean anything. God doesnt need the glory; he has all that is to claim in this world and not. But it does mean to us , and it must have mattered alot to Him.

Who wouldn't mind being noticed and in the limelight for that instance when you've just done something you're proud of , achieved something worth attention, worth the applause. Maybe a article or interview in the headlines would've been nice . I would like it; it my nature and probably everyone else's too.

It's just that time and again history has proven itself reliable to predict. How many great people of their time falter in the near future cos they just couldn't get over the initial hussle. We as human probably lost too much to that little devil in the corner of our hearts called "pride"

So its not really that bad when God took the effort to instruct people to give the honour back, not to keep , but to keepsafe.

Imagine this , a budding five-year-old just won in a certain contest a large satchet of sweets and candies. And like any other five-year-old, he's probably thinking of keeping all it to himself, and down them like rice that night, afterall who could blame him? He 's won it, fair enough.
And before long , he's getting into trouble with the tummy aches that accompanies candy dinners.

So this is where the Father steps in. He reaches over to the child's bag " I'll keep that, " and promises only to give him a sweet at a time, once every two or three days. And yes the child will grow resentful , throw tantrums and fuss over everything else, uncooperative mealtimes, struggling against the hands that meant to help. But afterall its for his good.

So is the case with the glory we get from mortal kinds. We get upset whenever due glory isnt given to us. We wrinkle our eyes when we hear someone publicly honouring God for what seems like his own achievements .
BUt afterall, what our heavenly Father meant, was to keep the sweets from us , protect us from the tummyaches of life's too much honour. Just like a grown up wont need to steal sweets from kids; he could buy a barrel load if he pleased, our God doesnt need our glory. He just meant good .

So the next time we are urge to give God the glory, dont wrinkle up like its your life's possesions. It goes a long way back if we are to trace how much this could mean to us , but yes its for our good, probably, until you can convince me otherwise, that you could handle the issue of mortal pride.

2008-01-26T21:05:00.000+08:00

Race Day. Tmrw

Something that we looked forward to, something that we spent our precious afternoons training for, something that, well, just is a common goal that all would like to see come to pass.

Afterall, didnt we pledge to uphold this name, to carve out a history that belonged uniquely to us, to claim a portion of the somewhat saturated piece of treasure that was available to whomever was willing to sacrifice time and effort of it.

Yes the week was spent, half in half out of schoolwork, pressing productivity of my internal generators; morning with the full sch routine, afternoon speeding around kallang, night back at sch with whomever is left hardworking. Cept that i was doing triple duty. heck
Back to the point, which really tests one's commitment, no wonder there are really those who break down and steps away for it. I dun really blame them.

Back with that issue, carrying a load of expectations along with me. I'm not God, I aspire towards God-like , I live as if I was an angel, but afterall ,i'm but a saint. Ok literally, but yah thats the whole point.
I'm not perfect, I dont always self motivate, there are time when i want to , felt like , almost gave up .

Holding on , because i know there are others who did their part of the work, fully expecting me to do mine so that things would work out.

Yes i know i should, but its like the saying, life is a long long marathon race, you cant always give everything you've got, or you're just a badly adapted sprinter.

So i apologise, if in anyway, my weakness , in flesh, in spirit, as ever failed to do its part.

Friday's training made me think more. So what if i was leading the rear pack ? So what if i could defend my place against another k1 challenging my position? So what if i could charge another K2 ? The gap difference is still, disastrous. Wonder how many other real competitors could fill in that gap, otherwise, my ranking is ka-boom. Crap Crap Crap.

Somewhere , somehow, i lost the fight to keep up with progress. Well like i did last year, just because i wanted to more.

That's all it meant, it doesnt have to make sense, it doesnt matter

Afterall Race Day's tmrw .

2008-01-13T23:17:00.000+08:00

Woah new year
Another beginning we all would like to think its just nothing, its just routine, its just saying we got thru promos.

Then again everything going on ahead full force now. We're seniors ! To say the least, its always different to be seniors. Its like the unchartered waters to conquer, back when our seniors were around, we could only look while they made on their way. Once on our own ships to ride the journey of a J2 , aye it doesnt really feels much different?

Crap i realised i havent filled up my goals for the year. Aye time to sit down and do some reflection, if you havent, pls do. Because i havent, but shall do so. NO more time wasting, because i realise i didnt really did much for the past year, and hence i cant really compare what progress i would have wanted myself to go thru. 18 years old would sound more cool than 20 years old. And since most of us guys would spend our 20 year old stage away from active civilisation, thought we might as well make our impact felt now.

Trying our best, we have a whole packed schedule ahead of us, those blasted MSAs which Lee hak boon's wife probably got the idea from him or did not. Maybe that'll will change the way SA functions, haha kinda too slack in academic efforts.

OK something else to think about...

Thursday chapel service .

Here there's this 12 year old girl who;s blind from birth due to some unfortunate mishandling coming to showcase her singing talent. That besides her somewhat talented voice , its what she says , if you think it again , that made the impact

"..... I dreamt i went to heaven , there i SAW the green grass, i breathed the fresh air , i SEE angels around me ..."

If anything, that about what she said, somewhere along that line. She blind, mind you. From birth.

IF she said she saw, then what she saw must have been ... heavenly.

No cultural influence , no stereotype . Afterall what's green to a blind? How do you describe an angel to a blind person?

Its not like those kind of fat chubby children with undersize wings, holding star shaped magic wands who go about kissing people and what not.

ANGELs

How do you dream of angels from nothing? Tough time thinking, what i'll say is she saw it . she saw the real thing. Benefit of the doubt, she saw what most people wait a lifetime to get a glimspe. What beauty is that, when your mortal sight is deprived of you, and you receive a divine vision?

Its a hard choice, thankfully we never might need to make. Not that I would die without my eyes, but hey you wont see the ugly, but u also cant see the beauty in the mess.

And i'm always looking out for what the things the world can offer, somewhere to salvage how much fallen it has been. We dont get to see it everyday. But its been around since creation . So why not..

2007-12-26T02:24:00.000+08:00

Now we have that to be , some sort of much awaited rest period that was feels good enough, letting off the tension for just awhile before embarking on a new journey.

That means: school's starting soon

We'll like to think that way, its kind of a weird way to end this year, with the companionship of a different bunch of frens.
People from different backgrounds and characteristics, forged into common identity and comeradeship by a sworn oath, that which we now call our team . ( ok we didnt swear no oaths when joining, but heck u get my point)

Christmas countdown? ALternative tactics used was to not go town anymore cos its quite senseless to go in and attacked by spray cans and gropers .
Hanged around at vivocity and sat down with portions of the team , in relative peace and tranquility ( that the right word to use?) chatted. enjoying the presence of each other, admiring the the sea scenery and night sky view, mindlessly hoping that some angels would appear from heaven and serve as a choir to complete that kind of atmosphere.

Whoever thought of that original idea of going vivo, yeah thanks for that, and stopping me from going town.
THough when going home that night i almost got chased by stray dogs :(((

Christmas Eve, really there's little point of counting down afterall, which u see many forgoing the true meaning behind it all. Cliched it may sound, but that what which was meant for is used as an excuse to party on yeah .

I dun need to say it all out, but if u still dun know what Christmas is ; GO to church.

Yupps then Christmas Day itself was spent going to church in the morn with Qian and Yong , despite everyone lacking sleep.
As was put blankly, it was good, to say the least , if otherwise right, cos its been so looooong since then.
Guess its time to find back the me i left behind here.

OH yeah random stuffs along then, on the way to church at the mrt i came across a scene of this guy talking out loud to himself. Me being me, i tried moving closer to hear it out and get an idea of what's going on.

Sounds like a nuts case, but some sort of high class nuts case. It was a man in about forties, in decent clothing, talking to thin air , advising about some sort of legal or financial business. Sounds like he's a lawyer or property investor of some sort , or he thinks he is .

That which made me think , its like , after spending a quarter of your life in education, another quarter sluggiing out in the real working world, this is what life could produce. A dark side of nature, making a man lose his purpose, that , or making him slip into a world of his own.

I thought, how does it really feel like to be in that kind of position. The world would be diffenrt, subjective, and very much restricted to his own point of view. Given the way he was arguing with "air" , sounds like he's insistent on his own ways.

Kind of a tragedy if u think of it , a great life and future spoilt by, whatever factors that led to that.

for all that the world could offer , that is

For what is training

2007-12-22T00:24:00.000+08:00

Right so long since i posted , cos now, ha i (or rather my dad) fixed the comp, so it doesnt have so many problems.

Life is , training. Nothing else.

This holidays, despite promises to be active in church more, to study more, they don't seem to count for anything. Training.

Round Ubin came and went, of which i sank and returned. Then comes another endless routine of long distance training for the upcoming Canoe Marathon. And its , taking its toll. Losing the idea of studying in JC , sometimes i wonder what am i doing here for. Losing the idea of training, and i wonder... Why do i train for.

Why do i do things but give it up in future to replace with another impulsion interest.

Kept sane by the constant companionship of teammates, that otherwise, oh my, i realise i dun have anything else.

So now we resist anything that tries to disturb the stability of the team bond, that included those unfortunate incidences, which well, ultimately goes out to a selfish purpose.

Its not about running away from difficulties, but there's just so much that could be done in its face.

Ok fine that would just mean we'll have to move on.

Training~~~~~

Aye long dist training just means i'm left forever to chase people in front. And that what i;ve been doing, other than keeping people from chasing up to you. Thats just like any race.

Time trials, well, satisfying, but not contented.

Ahh losing track of time, since which is which training session did each event occur i cant remb.

Lets just say the Christmas break is something worth looking out for...

Can't be strangers

2007-12-01T23:14:00.000+08:00

Right so now just came back from a real eventful day.

Morning whizzed past fast in the Pasir Ris SSC , waiting for people, then more waiting for coach, before getting to real work doing boat maintainence on site.

Then only did we got down to test the water conditions at the Pasir Ris coastline.
Yes and i empahisize the coastline, because we never got to go out any further then the coastline region.
Wave condition, i would put it, to be something like having a lot of powerboats doing endless power runs past our boats. MOreover, these K2s and K1s are flatwater sprinting boats, and when put into choppy conditions as bad as these, we never got a chance to paddle proper strokes.

Took a K1 out, since coach refused to put out our K2 in those conditions, but the session lasted barely 30 mins, for fear of damaging the equipment. Yeah the tapping strokes had to be so frequent and hard, i thought my blade wouldn't last out. Being bullied by metre tall waves, yes they were at least a metre from trough to crest, and when sitted down in the kayak, they overshadow you.

Bedok <>

You could never hope to have conditions like that in a reservoir. And we may yet to need to abandon the race tmrw if conditions doesnt change for the better. So much for the long distance trainings.
BUt then again, it was real fun riding the waves using sprint kayaks. The bow could angle down all the way till the water line was at the cockpit combing, and the next wave would literally crash into our small little boats, utterly flooding the interior.

Heck, i would have gladly paid the $20 race fee just to come here and play with the water. Hehz

After that was a period of transition, while i went over to Mark's house for a reunion outing of PAE 07s07 .. Yupps no doubt it was as usual round of talking, a closer bonding session. And its always have to be that after we parted then do we treasure the bonds we once had. Nevertheless, it wasn't awkward at all, since everyone still pretty retained the bonds shared.

Eating junk foods just one day before race is a sin, something i might have to foot the consequences.
And to add on the the carnage, MArk brought out his private stash of citrus vodka and whatever cocktail mix was that. Since it was quite a first time had I hanged out with friends in the presence and availabilitiy of liquor, I thought I might as well take the opportunity and try it out. Wouldn't hurt i guess...

Thus i downed till I flushed red, it wasnt a lot , just a small plastic cup of that vodka , and the cokctail milk mix, enough to make me start smiling senselessly, followed by a headache i couldnt help but drop onto the table while the rest of them continued talking.

A short rest nap on the couch while some played cards did help to soothe the whirling...

And for once, i decided to return home voluntarily on taxi.

Hence ended this little outing we had, since Arun is leaving for Aust soon, make do for a little farewell party for him then.

The bonds we once shared, may it last till. Yet i'm quite surprised the time span since we met didnt degrade us to the awkwardness amongst strangers, that is.

2007-12-01T00:52:00.000+08:00

28 Nov 2007

The morning started off on a rather low note, late for training despite flying down on a cab, yeah and that’s just the start of a chain reaction that kinda wrecked the training session for me at least. Being late, given a talking, punished 300 push ups then I got to rushing around getting my own equipment ready, then rushing all the way to fill up the water bag only to have it leak half its contents out because I didn’t cap it properly in the rush.

OK there goes my recovery drink. Hastily started out, with no warm up since everyone was already done with it and waiting.
The 500m up and down sets at high power didn’t do much good, since right at the start I burned out , not being able to fully utilize all that I got, and becoming more and more demoralized with each passing set. Until the fact I regretted going for more, save that supposed to be more practice and more training, it did only to make me more down and use even lesser strength. There you have the power of the mind, but then, I was completely off the mood for training.

True I could blame a lot of factors; the bad morning start off, lack of energy, the strong up winds, the lack of a warm up, people cutting lanes etc etc.

Ultimately it comes to the knowledge that, hey , its just I allowed those to take the negative impact on me. Its not about how badly they will do, hell you cant blame the devil trying to disrupt your life; that’s just his job.
What you could do is protect yourself against him. That’s where I failed, that’s where during training, I allowed myself , for that moment, to wallow in self pity and the “ its-not-fair-for-me” mindset. Yes, and that’s where I have to take responsibility for, and the price is a wasted training session, just mere days before the Ubin race.

That’s just one of the bad stuff that has to happen. On a higher note the day had much excitement brewing in its bowels. Hanged around after training, wasted some time before heading over to Queensway to collect the new jerseys and thereafter, headed on to Qian’s or rather her brother’s chalet to hijack it for the night.

Took some time settled down and played our night away.

Finding it a first time , know that really, there wasn’t really much to make of one’s birthday. Not that it really mattered, because, for the past years, its all been just as normal as any other day. Maybe the dinner would be better, but that’s just about it anyway.

But since, this time I wasn’t spending it at home. And I really do mean it when I say it was really a surprise, the way it was brought forth. Even though I didn’t really make a lot out of it, but yeah, I really do appreciate that.

THANKS TEAM … that ‘lil gesture meant a lot … Hehz

And hence continued the night away, playing cards till late late into the night until one by one the people collapsed, those who did so early got the best rooms and beds, those who didn’t made do on the floor, with stolen pillows and blankets and towels ..

29 Nov 2007

Right spent the early morn slacking, allowing this bit of enjoyment outside of training , that which comes so rarely.

Towned and watched “The Kingdom” , something which touched about the terrorism issues in the middle east, one of those shoot-em-up movies that probably worth watching only on TV. OK I shan't spoil too much, but then again there’s just that something I felt most about the movie.

Those who watched it will know, like when the head villian was dying, something he whispered to his granddaughter, very much similar to how the female lead was comforted upon the knowledge of the death of her close friend. A promise that “we will go kill them all” .

Kind of put to thinking that, its really alarming how vengeance can comfort. Yes it is saying that the thought of revenge, of violent retribution can serve as a motivation for life which is quite something which happens in the world today.

Kinda disappointing to find out that the ending has to end so negatively, in a note to say that actually glamorizes violence. I was expecting the director to put in something like “ Don’t worry life still goes on” , or , “ Its ok there’s still hope” kind of message to include when character faced the death of a loved one.

Then again, its just this world that’s going about it. Go find any Doomsday talk in any religion and you find that it says that THE END comes preceded with a period of mass violence, moral degration and the likes of it.
Who’s to say the world’s going to last forever?

And hence after got back to Bedok to train illegally with TP, and since it became like a self training session with not much of a program in place, I went on with my own 500m sets while Eugene goes for his rounds.

Same kind of feeling , reminiscence of the A divs race again, using the same boat, same paddle, same lanes, but a much different me. A different feeling though, no one’s looking, no one expecting much, no stress, no competition, just a maxx effort in the the sprint. Taking revenge for the lost training the day before, and the last time trial which went so horribly wrong for me. Hmm lets just say I’m playing around for now ..

Back then when the race meant so much for all that I fought for. As I paddled down I was thinking, hey its just how much u really want for it, that kind of dissatisfaction that pushes you to fight even harder.

Because I was dissatisfied then, being left out of the PA championship race in June wasn’t quite the way I intended to be. So I fought, for every training, for every bit of time I get to practice with the K1. The passion to win, not the actual race, but the fight to get to participate in the A Divs in July was that overwhelming factor.

I fought , and hence , qualified me to say, I got what I fought for. And its this kind of self training that allows the active exploration of skills learnt, and putting it to practical use. So for once, at least it was worth the while.

Messed up with time

2007-11-20T00:40:00.000+08:00

Disorientation of the sense of time sets in when the routine comes and goes weekly, and more often than not, attempts to summarise them only end up with fragements of memories that has no time or date stamp. That or otherwise, I only remember vaguely what happens, but not when did it happen.

Well ok there it goes, because most of it is just about training and more training, and the sessions comes so intertwined i cant remember when's when and how's how.
And since its more than mid way through NOvemeber, it just wont do to have nothing to write about as a keepsafe for looking back and this great part of time. Well essentially its just a time when we training the hardest, or do we , the longest, since time is just at its highest rate of abundance.

NO work for me this hols so far, not like the past few years when i squandered my year end breaks in the bookshop in exchange for some xtra cash. NOt that i'm looking forward to it, but this years means i wont get to have anything much to spent for personal indulgences.

Fine, maybe its still too early to say. Qian's got herself some time off to teach tuition for the quick buck. Time to rethink my stance?

Training .... Yes thats something that occupies the bulk of my brain and physical capacity. So far we are all training for Dec's ROund Ubin race. Right so its juz long dist and more long dist , having changed K2 partners countless times to try out., the otehr day. YEah since i prefereed to be back rower, relinquishing the task of having to control rudder, focussing more on the awareness of the situation and providing the bulk of the engine force.

Ceyong dumped me for korky , and thereafter left for OCIP so theres no really another way to reconcillate it in the short term . Not with Tzet and Nelson; our pairing just don't work out well . Jonn is too obseessed with Nic to agree to swap partner. RS would work if only he was straight, (oops and i do mean if he could keep the boat moving straight ) . GJ needs more practice with the K1 first ; no time to learn the harshness of long D drafts.

That leaves me no one left to pair with, and since i wasnt really looking forward to pay $20 to let the K1s win , i was contend in being left out of the Ubin race team for this once , focussing more in K1 until a suitable occasion. Till recently , coach was to put me up behind him so as to go the race as the second drafting K2 to go with Nic& Jonn ...

Which leads to today's training, quite slack , xept that i was a bit stressed with the thought of having coach as the partner. Fine provided it took him longer to warm up, as he claimed, so we took off easily for rounding the reservoir with Jack on the left and Jonn being in the LiangJin on the right, since Nic was sick.

A fine start, and easy forward, and worked out well. Maintaining at relatively low speeds of about 10 km/h according to the GPS speedometer on board jack's boat. and that was already quite slacky, Jack having the cheekiness to complain that it was too slow and slack despite Jonn and Wai Kit struggling to keep up .

Wai kit fell back right from the start, Jonn beat up to about 2.5 km before making a spectacular exit from the draft formation by capsizing.
After that, it became routine again. Long distance and being back rower, heh i would admit i was pretty much providing only brute force and little technical work save for the balance. Fine maybe thats my kind of contribution.

Open house came and went, and it wasnt as a blast as i was to think it might be . Maybe its just this time of the year and the lack of publicity. Whatever it was, the little bit of efforts we did for it, like the cam-whoring session at the pontoon after one of the trainings , so as to get some presentable pics to show off for.

And we tried to initiate Operation: Jonn Gan approach C**** , which pivotal point ended up on a bottle of half drank mineral water. OK fine inside joke... HAHA

Oh if I may add , GJ wasnt let off as well ...

Right ok thats as much as i would want to say. Will try to be a little more consistent and keep those promises made to myself . OK fine that wasnt necessasry

Think more ahead

2007-10-29T23:32:00.000+08:00

29-10-2007
Mon 1138 pm

Right so now it’s a long over due post that gonna have to summarise my past week .
Plenty of things that so intermixed I dunno how to start recalling .

Right from somewhere the past week did we start working on the OP right after the WR was submitted, which was right after the Promos ended, which was after who knows how many weeks spent mugging , so much that now I’m losing track of the past .

KK recallll ~~…..

Separate issues … Training first ..

Mon and Tues was two consecutive gym sessions that was basically insanely programmed but yet so satisfying because finally I reach a point where I myself voluntarily dun want to gym further for those days. Yeah talk about breaking thru muscle limit.
Followed by more long dist paddling and drafting sessions with the K1 , alternating that and the short C1 session , after that and all , thoroughly wreaking havoc thru the body.

The indicator came at Wed night, thurs morn when I got one of those what superstitious folks call it the “bei gui yah” or “ being squashed by ghost” … Scientifically speaking, its just something to do with the over exhaustion of the muscle that immobilizes it during sleep.

That as during the late A.M when I jolted up of sleep to feel the whole body dysfunctional, yeah and key thing is only the body is dysfunctional, my mind came fully conscious, but my body wouldn’t react to attempts to move. And man did that felt real, I about realized the situation as soon, and serious I wouldn’t blame those folks for thinking its ghost squashing me.
It felt like someone was pinning u down and cant move, no nerves would work, no muscle would move. Scary at first, but what an interesting experience it was, like being jailed in ur own body with ur mind functioning perfectly and looking at the world on a third person point of view thru ur very own eyes.

Thurs after a bloody slakcy day with only chem Lect being the only attraction, was spent working endlessly on PW … And since A LOT of pple ponned, mine being the only group that’s at full strength , work wasn’t really productive, and with aline suggestion of a dance for OP , even less practical work was done.

Slacked with the class after that , with most of the guys absent, and esther Kelly and the Chinese pple gang opting to go k-box , which didn’t entice me, and since I wasn’t going to go singing with all girls and me the only guy.

In the end left me , WS , Valerie and the TJ gang in class, so for once I decided to break out and join them which was perceived to be the “class” since no one else was left.
Went PS to pizza , then hanged out and Istana Park and the starbucks. And woots its really been long since I could laze out at town with frens doing nothing in particular , that was back in PAE times ..

Time really is airborne huh, J1 is over airhead … Not really ready to accept that fact, and since time had been hard pressed over the months, I realized I didn’t really spent a lot of time with the class. And hence now this opportunity came just in time.

Friday’s farewell assembly for Mrs Lim the Principal was really an eye opener, yeah though somehow I dun have much of contact with her, its kinda pity to see her retire, this goes to proof, parting is never good to bear,

If my enemy parts I’m gonna miss him too hah

Also from that assembly got me hooked on to the song “Canon Rock”, which I later got JK to send to me and got me on the line with the song.

Fri’s training was pulled forward to 1230, for the staff meeting, and was kinda slacky
But now I really have to work a lot more on pull-ups
Can’t let the numbers drop further.. 12 is disgusting right

PS again with the team after training, and its lazing again, since there was nothing much on the agenda, and Qian wanted to buy slippers to replace hers that was bitten by monkeys the other day at bedok. (Oh yeah did I mentioned my specs were stolen my those monkeys too?)

Sat K1 time trial is shit to the extreme for me at least… Maybe for the rest you all would’ve broken more better timings, but for me … Haiz

Didn’t even get to start off much, hastily lined up after the earlier group, seeing the extended red buoy in my direct path but have no time to go for another pass of lining up again. Thinking that I could push it aside later …
And Eugene started us off unconventionally, and I opted for a left stroke start to make room for the small buoy …

First stroke, then second, the third again on the left, and my whole left blade got caught up with the cable cord of the buoy marker and tangled. IN the momentum of the start, I felt the tug of the tangle but ignored it to go for the fourth stroke thinking I could shake it off.

BY the time I went for the fifth on the left again, the whole blade was hopelessly twined by the cord. Struggled a bit forth to get loose, but the inertia from the sudden stop threw me ahead and side off and capsized, that’s barely five metres from the starting line.!!! Freaking hell! … Whatever happened on was history and I dun wanna talk about it … Haiz

BUt now after the talk with coach, i might just end up forgo on C1 afterall , not that i have no interst, but the current focus is the A divs next year, and i dun think theres enough time to go for round Ubin race and the NAtional MArathon next year and still keeping up with the C1 practice. I really come to a point that i would have to make a decision and choose . for the better of the future, unless something intervenes in the decision. That is the way i have to make do with ...

One more Ending

2007-10-13T00:15:00.000+08:00

Ha

And we have the end of our promos exam , with the results pouring back in our faces , some good , most bad ... I think us as 07 S04 is going to face a drop in membership by next year, given how Jk and Nig are responding to the plight landed in. SHit , and shit big time ...

Bad things aside , the week was started with the very dramatic INterhouse rugby games at school. A certain twist added to it , not quite what was expected, but in itself, much more. Enjotyable , though its heck tiring in the midst of a game.
The short pre game clinic and practice and teambuilding served a great deal in getting the teams of noobs in line, setting tactics right and getting the blurness out of everyone. Venn has an awfully undermanned squad , compared to the other house whose reserves seemed neva ending.
MAtch starts , being that in the water logged field , playing prop , getting all those blunt of the scrums, lineouts , and messy rugs , but freeing me up from the task of breaking through and content on chasing and tackling pple.
Right but since when Rugby sevens' allowed such a job scope ... Ran like mad up and down the field , pushing and jumpng and chasing...

Real fun though , and come to think of it , that would have been my sport had i made the choice when i entered school.

But chill, Canoeing is great too ... Too deep in to want to backout, and having no obvious reasons to look away but to focus on my own sport . That, being the point, but no harm enjoying the essence of others ... heh

Coming straight to today, in the morning chapel service , had David Chong leading the supposed worship session , but ending feeling like old Sunday school kids.
A different perspective, bringing the memories of more the real Sundays schools attended more then ten plus years ago. Simple , and sweet.

Who said Christian worship had to be cliched and flamboyant?

True we see the genres of music develope thru ages, rock and metal seems to be the in thing for youths, but looking at the quieter side of one, a low hymn serves it purpose as well as it did generations ago.
Like wise , a guitar or a piano would have been enough ... much proven by the chapel session this morning.
heh now it makes me regret not having start learning piano when i had the chance in pri 1 ... haiz , too late , too little,
BUt hey knowing the guitar is great too ...

Little things in life to keep optimism .....

And something happened this week that made me wanna rethink my stand , my intentions for the future , short and long term alike ... Maybe its cos i'm too stubborn to change. Its not all about the face to give up , but maybe , ...... just so happens ... its time to let go ...

Freedom of another kind

2007-10-06T01:22:00.000+08:00

Woots

And exams are over , in a whizz that blurred our lives wholesale into unspeakables . Yes it was hard to bear, but to relive that moment again , studying cramming and making the best out of what little time we had , taught me a lesson in life.

Then again , there are times when all is put to the test for that ...

Beyond the exams , BLOODY HELL i lost my Graphing Calculator !!!!

OK fine , it may not be hurting that much , but hey , that is a reminiscence of once which i lost my wallet before. Oh yeah those were the days really i lived on by raw faith.
God forbid , but it feels just the same, another test of faith then challenges how long can u last in believing God Himself to intervene and put it back to you.

Faith, or simply believing, something i lack so much after so much has happened.

Almost sounding cliched, but really m its been quite sometime since attending sun svc or CGM ... Then again some ask: WHY BOTHER ?

I say : " I 've come to learn that I cant live without."

WITHOUT GOD ...

Oh yeah for that matter, the other time i lost my wallet, i managed to get it back one whole month later, when all hope has fallen down. That true test of faith ... Wow

2007-10-02T11:33:00.000+08:00

1/10/07 1246 AM

Its right here again, standing at the threshold of yet one more start of another exam. Getting numbed by the mindless acts of digesting notes and creating new ones, innovative tricks to help get hard data instilled into the mind.
Its not about the the hardship, for always , in all things that have passed, there’s this tinge of laughter to be enjoyed if you’re at least keeping positive.

Yes the school canteen is hot and stuffy and boring, but its also the place where the hearts and minds of students do blend in. Devouring not food but heaps of paper, working late into the night. And with the right group of people, to understand each other more deeply. You know it, and its everywhere.

JE is far , but it served as a alternative during the weekends.

Safe to say , for this exam break it had been rather eventful, or eventless. Guilt riddened with the lack of exercise since training got cut prematurely, excessive gym-ming, and the bonds forged and the bonds broken. Marking an end to another chapter of our teenage life, right when would you ever get another chance to study for another promos exam … (Unless you get … whoops … )

Also you see what a lot of people took the chance of this lull since almost every CCA is suspended. I wont need to explain .. There’s KY from the team , and other random pple like KH, and so heard a lot of others from 4-2 like shawn felix clement got it too ahhh … too much irrelevant info.. .

Chemistry is knocking at the doorstep, economics threatens to tear my future, Math is like a ever relentless female dog , physics loses its appeal …
Shit let this never be a day I regret…

Which is worse, to go in an exam hall unprepared, or to study all day long for an exam that will never come ? Despite all , I choose the latter.

Darn promos ….

Another holiday

2007-09-11T13:56:00.000+08:00

10/9/07 0109 am Monday

OK here goes .. Hols are like already over in effect , and , somehow despite all that harshness of the realities of the impending promos, even the tough time spent mugging during the holiday was somewhat memorable . After all, its still a fragment of memory of such is the life in JC. Once in a lifetime , studying for promos , if u look at it this way , hey , the stress level shouldn’t have to pile u all the way till u start forgetting the joy within every situation.

Even if it suck . That is.

Time runs real fast, and I dun need to reiterate the importance of catching that moment, it runs past and is gone forever. The choices made in that moment, the lives changed in that moment, it all could be determined by ourselves. Heck its like the only thing that we can put into our hands, and not let the forces of nature mess around with it.
The memories, keep it safe.

Like the semi idle study session in school almost everyday with the team , mthat or otherwise at eugene’s place which erms had little productivity but lotsa fun and interaction (plus a free simpson movie) … That summarises the September school break for me, off it goes , never to return again .

Lets just hope this blog can at least retain some of it in the years to come in the future …

Revisiting the past

2007-09-11T13:49:00.000+08:00

05/09/2007 – WED 1209 AM

AS usual something wrong with my com and blogger is inaccessible .

Good things comes like when you were losing hope , that one little ray of light, though it does not light up the whole place , it provides that comfort that , somewhere out there , the sun is still shinning , and light is plentiful . Walk through the tunnel , get outta here

OK Recap on Fri’s teacher day celebration , a very retarded ACES day like every other, and a whizzing programmes in the CC … yupps but the AVA crew should really learn to control the lighting ambience .
After much delay decided to go back to Cat High , despite no one contacted me about any planned gathering , holla ..
Hehz class 4-2 had one of the highest returning students ratio, save for the AJC peeps who fell victim to their school’s erratic planning , but shawn and grayson still did make it out illegally ..

Tried to find back some of the teachers , and some of ourselves which we left behind , the time , the effort, the brain cells spent studying , the brotherhood forged with sweat , the quarrels and mini-fights , each one hold that bit to stir our memories within .
And its always good to gather back , look back and think : “ that was me”

Never having been a photogenic class, we didn’t really have that many photos taken together in those years that past, but now as we gathered , hell , what a waste not to take one big one together . And with Mrs Anna Tan our stand in form teacher , we did . With as much of the class that was present.

That was us .

Catholic High Sec 4-2 class of 2006 , and I neva tot I’ll miss it that much .

Hung around at bishan J8 , ate stood around and talked , while wasting time , rotting , as always. Its was always like that , and , seriously I really , cant have much to talk about all of us , and it makes no sense to dedicate the whole post . haha

Right Saturday , I defied the suspension with the permission of Ms Ong and went with some of the seniors to leisure paddle at Bedok.

Crapped a bit before lauching off , since TP was also training , so there was a lack of K1s available , so I decided might as well carry on with the C1 . Then was lost in my own world of exploring the C1 again , disregarding the others , experiencing the leans the tilts and the turns of the C1 , just like I did with the K1 months ago , lost in my world . And that’s when training are the most productive when learning to use a new boat.
K doing fine m and getting to love the C more and more as I paddle more and swim less . Movements are straight , turning arcs are crazily big , and strokes come wide and huge coupled with a big pull , managed to pick up some speed to feel a breeze caressing the face, and heh , its getting to feel more comfy . For all be known , ha I might end up C1-ing for good after all .

And of course like any leisure paddle session , there was the slacking time on the pontoons, and the stunt attempts . I practiced my edging and attempt to paddle the K1 half submerged, cupped several attempt to jump off the boat . Wai Kit stood in his PS’s K1 , I sat down and paddled the C1 with a wing paddle , and a K1 without a paddle

And the seniors tried to race using the C1s , off the pontoon , by competing who stays on the boat the longest without dropping out . Dude C1-ners ….

Had a pizza feast treat by coach after that during the afternoon , since he won quite some prize money from his recent adventure race in Malaysia. Quite a feat I would say , bao dao wei lao , and at his condition , to WIN the race , must have taken quite some guts and pro-ness to do it …

And that’s about it … Sunday’s spent rotting as usual , and the weekdays , are spent in school …. Duh ….

Seemingly familiar

2007-08-27T23:49:00.000+08:00

21—08-07 , 1204 AM

OK My blogger is screwing up again so this post might come in a bit late cos I drafted it using MS word … Practically my whole com screwing up cos its getting ancient and nearing obsolete . Eh wait that’s too extreme , but nevertheless , the functions are nowhere near the modern gadgets u find in the stores.

Lets try to summarise this past week for I have little time here and lest I lose track of it .

A productive Fitness assessment on fri , at least for me , I managed to break all my personal bests .
A even better K1 time trial for I broke another personal record after like ages since i used K1 .’

Sat was weird , a cold cold morning that forced me to don the windbreaker on the bus trip to training , a sinister foreboding of things to come.
Gathered anticipating the time trial , a setting for all of us to gauge our progress and set future goals . But no , coach insisted no underweight boats allowed for this test , so I couldn’t use my good ‘ol SwiftRacing K1 that accompanied me thru the times training for the A Div …

Settled for a blue raptor K1 which everyone else did , but kinda uncomfy with the seat and boat structure. Hauling it down the slope was a bit tricky , not so , its just that 2 kg difference , but hell , now I know why I like light boats .
Warmed up runs , at least my skills are not rusty anymore thanks to Wednesday last min practice . The reservoir was plainly empty , no other schools were training already , as far as I know , VJ and TPJC have cut trainings so we own the reservoir at least for now . Whizzed the test , and not counting Wai Kit , I made 5th overall which didn’t changed positions from last time but saw my timing improve more than 10 secs !!! '

Which events follows up to the unglamourous climax , details are confidential , but Eugene became our martyr for our safety consciousness and focus on academic excellence .

Other things include me finally taking My Red SwiftRacing K1 down for some leisure paddling , riding the wash from the girls’ K4 was so freaking fun .

Planned to have study session after training but end up going TM , and then with Sheng, Yong , Tzet and Qian , went watch fireworks fest at marina bayfront … An ultra long wait , and resisting passive smoking , we got our reward in the form of a spectacular lights display in the sky .

Trekked thru town , to lau par sat , doing random things , talking , forming tu-tu-trains and irritating other pedestrians , and my bravado in trying to snatch the cigarette out of a smoker’s fingers …

Sunday was spent rotting and sleeping and trying to do homework and recuperating … Somehow I admire those who have the capacity and discipline to forgo sleep to die die finish homework till late night , a feat I cannot achieve without external stimulants .

Shit loads of working and urgent revision’s piling up at my face and I still manage to laugh it off . Crap , when will I find back my old self ?

Time is short dude , watch your back when u walk , it doesn’t slow down . it never did .
MS word pisses me off and destroys my mood in blogging.

So its only descriptive and little reflections for this post.

A different way of doing things

2007-08-14T23:34:00.000+08:00

Thought that , by now should've realised , that the world won't always work according to your ways , and there'll be pple u dun like just so close to u . And having to live with that , its not always easy .
But since when things in life ever was , considering the fact that hell , we don't even know exactly how the world functions .
BUT the least that could be done , is , not to bitch around too much . No matter how much an asshole the person resembled , how he shot u in the back while ur best armour was strapped in ur front .

It doesnt help if u could list out more things in words what he did wrong to you than all that ur computer could store; digital files are not matter and wont hurt if u threw it at him , unless u threw ur computer at him , thats another story .

Excess in bitching not only does it keeps ur at levels of tension higher than healthy levels , it actually undermines a your own integrity and the opinion of others of yourself that receives your whinning . That , in itself , warrant enough reason why not to bitch .

OK updating my own life journal ... Relay duathlon at BEdok the past SAT was something rather new , in competitive events that encompassed both on land and on water , both myself and my partner . Though i didnt win anything in the superficial sense , not like almost everyone else around me with the prizes and medals , the learning process never stops going on and on .

Endurance , not the body but the mind , by pure willpower to prevent pple overtaking during the race , that is pushing ur body further by that will , instead of trying to Jedi Mind Trick ur opponent to give way . THAT , by experience , has never failed to fail to work .

And also the mind , the spirit of competitiveness , to excel beyond ur peers that , roots within everyone else who stood out amongst. To set a target , even if its ur closest friend , to defeat him , in a race , in gauging ability , and it will mean a lot in the long run to see who stands out . It doesnt need to be an elimination match , but it would suffice even only for self satisfaction .

THAT is my motivation for all my self trainings .

After which is the team bbq , ate played and played and crapped . That could summarise .
Save for the part which i tried to play my role as Log Head during the preparation phase of the bbq , which us the juniors treated the seniors. Quite ex , but it was rather worthwhile .

Missed church AGAIN on sun , for no particular reason , basically was a plain overslept from the past night of playing and fooling around . Allowed the day to rot away doing nothing impt .

Monday's training was something new ...
Instead on Gym , we went over the other side of the Village bridge to SAS to use the SAV swimming pool , which then coincides with the water polo peeps training . So we made do to the nearer shallower end of the pool and let the polo peeps train in peace and have the other end of the pool .
Partially because we're kind and partially becasue we dun want to have to use the darn deep end of the pool and end up drowning since we didnt have a life vest .

Those with H2 Econs had to join an hour late , so the meagre pple around started warm up , swam tons of laps and picking tips from Mr Q abt basic techniques and all that . Till i almost cramp ... It sucks to cramp in a pool ...

Directional control was the major issue , since i dun have a rudder attached to my rear end , and i couldnt see where i was heading when half the time my head was under water without goggles . And guess everyone else is the same since we started cutting "lanes " like no one's business .

That was followed by a session of playing some noob polo-captain's ball hybrid much to the amusement of the actual polo team . Jack with his ultimate own goal , Nelson with his ultra underwater jumps , Jon with height and speed , and everyone else splashing water .

That was really a great enjoyment incorporated into training , which was also hardcore cardio workout .

Right ... Morning training tmrw ... Fitness assessment this Fri , team K1 time trial this Sat ... Lets just hope my K1 skills are still functional ... ANd i shall have to make my choice dam soon ...

Being easily influenced

2007-08-05T23:12:00.000+08:00

AH ok , so much for being easily influenced ...

And hence i missed the FOP due to external influence . All three sessions of them . Kay doesnt sound that bad , but last year around this time , i was not to take this down lightly . To leave it to conscience thinking that , so as long what i think i'm doing is the right thing .

TO be guilty of it is to be struck by ur own conscience , but what if the very conscience is diluted by the lure of everyday things in life ?

Fridays training was rather fufilling , long time (act not so long ) had land training like that . The satisfaction of having exerted strength using every part of the body , and then recovering , and then push again . On and on , yet it doesnt feel so daunting by now .
Gone were the early days when i used to dread land trainings .

Saturday was a much different experience .
Having settled down , equipment and all that , while the rest was busy getting paddles arranging boats , heheh , I with the help of the seniors who were there to train for fun , took out the brand new C1s and took some time to assemble it trial and error .

And jonathan the ex-captain kindly availed himself to teach me the basics of C1-ing , nevertheless since the club manager didnt allow us to borrow the spare plastic oar , we had to make to with only one carbon C paddle , and sharing it with the seniors who wanted to play with the C1

Good progress though i would admit , but somehow , its like returning back to the basics .

IF otherwise , i dun even know should i , or do i want to progress on with C-ing . I like the feeling of speed , of high reps paddling , without having to bother about steering affecting all that .
That which was found in the K1 , no one else bothering u in balance or coordination , your own world , your own frequency , your style of balance ( tilts ) and alll that .

But yet the C1 is a very interesting boat to handle . Intriguing i would say , but maybe cos there isnt much good examples of C1-ners around here in Bedok , well , i would say i havent seen one around . NO one to match up to , nothing to looking forward to become . And thats as much as the C1 is to me .

Well the expectations are such determinant that , abides u to follow . What pple expect of u , and what u really want to do . I dun want to have to live in a world of pretense , but yet i dun want to have to regret the choice , and to waste the efforts put in .

Ultimately its abt decisiveness , a quality i do not possess .

Take some time , try it out . Thats what was said .

Its has to be soon to not lose out . I love the K1 , but i want to love the C1 as well . Thats the problem with me .

And i'm being influenced , always

Abandoned post

2007-07-29T10:47:00.000+08:00

Woh ok so now i'm multitasking .

Task 1 : Watching church service online, via the live webcast, cos i woke up late and missed service AGAIN

Task 2 : Meeting my PW groupmates online and coordinating some discussion .

Task 3: Doing online research on PW

Task 4 : Doing EoM

Task 5 : Attempting to blog about the past week but no mood .

OK i try again later cos now abit busy ....

The hand over for us

2007-07-22T23:19:00.000+08:00

The weekend then was filled with many events that makes life complicated yet exciting . Well its not the surface that matters but hell yeah its everyday a new level of learning and experiencing first hand .

Right , Friday .

Whacky days never seem to lack around . Maybe its just me , or the people i choose to be around with , but yet , I still don't feel the closeness as a class . NOt a complain , definitely not , the fault is with me , and i just so happen to miss almost every other class bonding activities there is .

Like the speaker workshop during Orientation 2, class outing at sentosa , Learning Journey , various after lesson hangouts .

ITs not that of the way things are meant to be . Which also makes me think back the times in Pae 07s07 .

Not perfect , but it stood as a standard to look out for .

Still on Friday , ah ... Econs test which i ermx , threw it away literally .

EG :

Qns : With reference to Figure 1 , explain how blah blah blah ....

My Ans : The extract gives a good view . However , cross referencing to extract X ... blahblah .....

Ah nvm . And thereafter , met up with the canoeist to go for team dinner downtown .

Changing appettite , which has similar ambience and food as cafe cartel the other day , which has similar ambience to swensons , which has similarity to pizza hut , which has similarity to Macdonald's , which has similarity to Food Junction , which has similarity to S11 (or VARI NICE ) , which has similarity to any old kopitiams u find in HDB estates ,

In which price range has no resemblance to any of the Swenson's or Cafe cartel's .

After that , gathered round at Marina's Square outside large stairway for a briefing and Team Elections .

And always we think about ourselves as the juniors , leaving bigger issues to the seniors , taking a backseat , picking it up at our own pace .
With the elections right before us , its awake up call .

Cap- Eugene
V.Cap-Ceyong , GuanJie
Logistics - ME , Jack
Treasurer- QianWen

Small crew , but big vision . With the passing on of duties , now when people say Team SAJC Canoeing , its us , not them anymore .

And it came rather as a surprise , not cause i cant do nuts , but rather how much am i worth to everyone else to shoulder it . I dun want to have to let pple down , much less myself . HOw will I ever make it out and do it the right way , and i hope i am not sending out a wrong signal to pple around me .

Talked alot about the team , openly , and see the passion each holds for the future , its not gonna be easy , as was stated out right at the start . We are not hoing to remain stagnated , for each year holds a greater future .

After being dismissed , hung back for briefing on the next day's NCC race . 10km . Adminstration and basic race layouts , tactics , lookouts , and tips . Using a simple whiteboard and markers and hands for illustrations , how to overtake , turning , watching , clearing , starting , disaster prevention ( capsize or collision )
.
BIg time , lasted quite long , but nevertheless yet another learning experience . Kinda like those sailing competitions and races , which actually sounds rather cool .

Ah shall talk abt the race tmrw , now very late

OOO yah and to add , God never fails to amaze me with things that comes out of the usual way .

IT was rather late after the gathering and briefing and after Yong boarded his bus . Abt 12 am or so , opp Marina square and i was waiting for 162 .

Seemed to take forever , as more and more pple piled out of the esplanade . Getting really frustrated , cos its late and i am tired and there's a race tmrw . Decided against open cursing for its rude and it wont help the situation .

Mumbled a short prayer , more like a self encouragements . Its not like those long exaggerated prayer nor chanting in the movies .

"Father , I need a bus , Can YOu help ?"

Well there wasnt a audible verbal reply , ( If there was , you're gonna hear it in the headlines )

BUt a few minutes later bus 162 finally came

When i boarded tried to tap card as usual but the machine didnt register . Bus driver said in chinese " shang che shang che , ji qi huai diao liao " --- " Get on the bus , the machine's spoilt"

OK that good so i get a free ride .
And then the driver got up , open the top panel from the front , removed the BUs service no. plate , then got off the bus , removed the no. plate on the outside , and returned to the bus to receive "what -the -hell" gazes from everyone on board .

Annoucing this time in English " Machine spoil , if you want to alight just press the bell "

And so he sped off , literally , not accepting any more passenger . And since there wasnt much pple on board , and all them inculding me are returning to the hearlands residential areas , we quite by passed the whole crowded orchard and newton area , went all the way to thomson then my hse . Real fast abt 20 or so mins .

SO look at it , I asked for a bus i and quite literally got a bus . Free fast-forwarded ride home .

WHo's to doubt whether God exist?

The dumb Gu niang rules

2007-07-18T22:31:00.000+08:00

And it didnt stop just there .

After the final stages of the Nationals A div , to some , it may mark an official but not so practical end , to many whom may have spent many a days working hard for their prize . We did and we could say we achieved so much and be thankful .

Yes there could have been more , but its over , and for every competition , be it a race , a fight , a run , a test , there's always gonna be the pple who emerge above , and others to learn humility below , but each have their stories to tell of their journey , of what they learnt .

As for now , the focus is still the same . This Sat shall be National Canoeing Championships. Though this somewhat a bigger event than the A div , being open category and all , it doesnt really sound so bad than the last time .
Me taking K2 10000m with CeYong . Given barely a week or so to practice coordination and teamwork and mutual understanding that is so impt for any K2 competitors , well that might as well have been taking our K1s and glueing them together .

Shifted boats over to Macritchie on tues , had some light paddling to get familiarized with the environment . And actually went overboard .
Coach took us into the far depths of the reservoir , all the way beyond the golf course and way past the legal borders of activity area. Unknowingly because it was rather long since he was around training in Macritchie as his days a national rower . And so when we returned there was the canoe club manager and the national coach waiting for us confronting us with the fact that we broke the rules and wanted to book us with some PUB authority etc etc....

With his usual humour , he laughed it off . Exclaiming the how "GU niang" the rules have changed .

ANd we probably broke as many rules as we could have over at the foreign territory .

Seeing that the pontoons were quite crowded with HCI and the others , we took the initiative to launch off the muddy shoreline like we did in Bedok's rocky shores . Kicked up so much of the mud and dirt and whatever that the surrounding waters turned muddy . So much for a reservoir.

Cutting lanes like we own them doesnt sound as bad as that , but thats probably an unwritten rule somewhere isnt it ?

Macritchie supposedly wont welcome us for the next visit , but What-The-Hell ...

All right , and back to today , having the post race review at school , coach came specially for this , not much as of a video viewing , with tips and comments and feedbacks here and there . More of it was coach having us to share our experiences and then him talking about the seniors future , the plans for the team etc ...

As I said , i'm with the seniors squad and it might not always be relevant for me . Its the same way all the while these months , putting myself in their shoes and trying to imagine what would be my reactions if i were them.
And its gonna be weird without them around in training. NOt that I'm emo-ing , ( i rarely ever do ) but it will take some time to get used to . Come to think of it , its july now , half the year is gone so soon , thats like a quarter of our JC life . We better get working to make this time worth while .

Soon we'll find ourselves being the seniors , so its up to us to question our functioning as a team to have something to show for that .

BUt first for me , I still have ALOT to work on .
I wont always take it down being the rear end pack . ...

Not my race

2007-07-10T23:45:00.000+08:00

GO SA CANOE!!!

Whew .... IN where i have finish my leg of this competition , a gruelling 6 hours wait , a 10 min satisfaction , and the rest of the time to look back and figure out the events leading to it , and also a burden let go from the mind and heart.

Not the best definitely , but a great learning experience nonetheless . The pre -race mental preparation , intensive warm-ups , and last min prayers . I wouldn't really say they didnt work , but its hard to gauge wat kind of response it was due to have .

ANd having opponents who were at the very least rather sportsmanship and friendly helped quite to calm down a panic strickened amateur like me . And the teammates who cheered for me even though i was the closely but yet the last one in .

My point of view at the race .

Prior to launch , Jason the team manager was beside giving last min tips and encouragements , while some others helped carry the boat . Since I was the 2nd last event of the day , most of them were quite free already . Walking thru the gates of the launching pontoon , hugging the paddle tight sieving thru the corwds who were there as well to see several other K1s on their way to launching . That , I thought , definitely were my opponents .
Sizing them up , looking good , still having that tinge of anxiety . Jason told me keep focused on the race , not the competitors , as I did like wise , fearing a lost of concentration would have catastrophic consequences .

Finding a empty spot on the pontoon , motioning to my teammates to put the boat down , and receiving the slaps on the back and final good luck wishes . With one swift move , slotted into the cockpit of the boat , reaching for the paddle , I tired to keep my mind clear of negativity as I tapped twice and moved off the pontoon , made a right turn and headed up the bay towards the starting line.

Bringing the momentum up keeping straight body posture and trying to relax stroke by stroke on an easy paddle up lane . From far the air horn sounded for another race , keeping concentration still , unwilling to budge.A side wind abt 70 degrees to the right of the lanes was blowing hard , sun was hidden behind clouds , and making it a cool environment , almost too comfy .

Reaching the forth set of big buoy , the starting line , the starter boat was calling for the race before me , a T2 race , to line up . Moving further up lane to give space for the T2s to turn for lining up , moved abt 100m further and turned right , made a 270 degree arc turn so that now i face the lanes perpendicularly from the left . Tested water around to keep calm , heart beating faster despite this very slow start . Loitered near the start line .

Till the time starter called for boats to approach . Mistakening it as a call to line up , i went straight for the starting buoys , only to to stopped short , and yelled at over the loudspeaker . Whoops bad start . Starer took attendance , anticipating it , and also cos I am lane 1 , I acknowledged as my boat was called first . ( Here we call each other by boat number , instead of by name nor school , makes it easier since everyone could see your number plate )

Here then boat 3 , (forgot was it RJC or ACJC ) , came over seeing me quite tensed up .

Boat3:" Hey boat 1 , You J1 ah ??"
ME :(nods) "yah"
Boat3: "Yeah all the best for the race !"
ME: (raises paddle in acknowledgement) "Yeah thanks !"

ANd hence calmed me down alot , knowing that I'm not racing against meanies who here to bring u down. Good show of sportsmanship , and which was what also let me start and end on a light heart , instead of slipping into utter depression . Everyone here exchanged good luck and all-the-bests , showing good sports spirit

Finally starter gave order to line up . Suddenly every simply stopped short of the line , reluctant, wary of negligent starts where starter pre maturely starts a race. Starter called again , still no move . Confused i broke the stalemate and moved forward , only then did the rest . Lining up , I was quick to respond to starter line adjustments , all but boat 4 who appears to be deliberately lagging to gain max advantage of a better start .

"Lane 4 one stroke back "
"Lane 1 and 2 , 1 stroke up"
"Lane 3 hold "
"lane 4 hold "
"lane 4 ,1 stroke back "
"All lanes hold "
"Lane 4 hold "
"Lane 4 HOLD!!!"
"lane 4 one stroke back "
"lane 4 HOLD!!!"
"ALL lanes hold!!! "

Finally ...

"STArt in ten ...."

ANd the air horn goes offf . At that instance , alll boats blasted off hard , me too trying to pick up speed and start bursting . Twisting body , utilizing maximum usage of the body to conserve some strength for the arms and also to build up more speed .

Upon reaching next set of bouy , that is 300m mark , wanting to slow down burst frequency and maintain speed . Realised that my picking up and bursting frequency almost matched the others as they started on maintenance strokes , ouch .... So in the end i gritted on and continued without slowing down the frequency , so in a sense i was bursting my way from start to finish .

Halfway to next buoy , abt 250m , feeling dam tired , as the shore line came closer , heard someone cheering for my name . Gritting my teeth i continued twisting . Passing the 200m , I thought i should starting picking up again . BY then i could already see the two adjacent two lanes already abt 1 or 2 boat length ahead from the corner of my eye .

Just here i lost concentration and tilt hard left , which i instinctively braced left , just a touch and go , but losing significant speed . Throwing all else aside , picked up speed again , this time not wanting to lose balance , did not utilize much body effort , pure arm pull that propelled me .

Aching all over , yet the sound of the cheering crowd which i took them alll to be directed at me ... Going into a frenzy , i charged on knowing that though i may not win , i will complete my race beautifully .

By now due to parallax error i could no longer gauge how far ahead was the other boats . COuld see boat 4 or 5 leading abt 3/4 boat length , pulling hard gain , maintain this all the way thru the finish line .

As I passed thru the line , lagging from the first boat , boat 3 no less , by abt 15 secs or so .

At the finish line ,

Boat 3 :(panting) " BOat 1 ! Nice one ! Good race !"
ME: (shag voice) "Yeah man thanks alot....! YOu too ..."
ALL: (turning to one another ) " that was a good race ... " " good job everyone ! " "Boat 1 u J1 ah , nice one !'
ME " yah see ya all around ! "

And that concludes what my race was all about ... Even though i didnt make it past the heats , it was really a good experience racing with them all . A chance to push beyond my limit , testing my skills , meet strong competitors , and grow up a new level .

Our hopes

2007-07-09T23:18:00.000+08:00

ITs here , its finally here . Tmrw is the first showdown of the A divs, and somehow , I cant really say I have done a hell lot for it .
Maybe to me , its my first official race experience , I'm more overwhelmed with anxiety and uncertainty , more then the usual fear-mixed-courage and anticipation from others who have seen more than i have .

Today we went over to Bedok for a final check of equipment , had a light paddling sessiion , more psychological than physical based activities , so as to let ourselves be at ease with the environment . IT was actually quite quiet over there , much less than the crowding that was to be expected , and did we get that glimpse of it on Sat , during the offcial boat control .
Yeah that was when we saw all those schools flaunt their branded boats , all the NELO Vanquishes that was the main attraction, the tons of REGGATTAs and LIANGJINs , some more obscure brands whose names i cannot pronounce nor remember from the Northern European country imports ..

That aside , so then had a final briefing of the race days events layouts , logistics , and some mental preparation . Its the kind of feeling which the tension permeates the air yet you know that you're not the one feeling the real tensed up , because after all , my qualification to compete is still underdeveloped.

But yet , the comes with along the sense of belonging to the team , even though this batch isnt really "my" batch , the closeness bonds forged over the past short month did i start training with them . The slaps of the shoulders exchanged and the hand shakes , hugs , words of encouragements , really mattered a lot . Because its now then the sport transforms into a team sport , and we dun race for the individual , but not to let down the hopes we hold for one another .

Putting myself in the shoes of the seniors , its those long years behind the experience , the hardships they must have went thru together , much like how we are now , the countless times we urged one another to perserve on , it sifts thru time to remind us once again .

Which is why it means even more when the captain held your hand shake and stared straight and beseeched u to take down the race proudly , to have the senior girls holding back on the verge of tears and maintain the posture to "scold " and demand u bring back results , to have your own teammates hugging close , and yourself resisting the sensation and tears that threatened to flow . Its not a sign of weakness , its but a show of humanity in its deepest form

This said and done , I now pray not only for myself , but my team , even to all the competitors , for wats a competition without each other? Whatever may befall us , i ask only for strength and protection beyond any human capability , but God alone can.

More than winning

2007-07-07T00:10:00.000+08:00

That didnt really sounded politically correct , but it manages to leave such an imprint in me . NO for this Nationals A div race , it'll be unlikely i'm gonna pit myself against any other racers.
Well technically i still will have to participate and race with em , but its not so much of a competition , not for me at least , if otherwise those schools start sending their years 1s to race . For now , my participation is a race against myself , a suitable competitive environment to push myself beyond my usual grounds .

Much as i am relucutant to succumb to pessimisim , there my aim is not to get last in the race , if possible , to progress beyond the first Heats race . That , to me is breaking new ground . Though not entirely satisfying , it will serve its purpose and i'll be contend.
GOd, help me to fufil what was meant to be mine , not any more , nor less , lest i miss the lessons to be learnt behind all those hardships

But it still bugs me : why compete if not to win?

What is my defination of winning? "ITs to yourself", someone says , and for that moment i understood why down the ages pple always say to beat yourself before beating others . I have not yet conquered my own comfort zone , neither have i really taken on the burden of competitive racing , i do not yet know what am i able to achieve . So its just me and the previous records of timings , my competitors are but externalities that provide a target and an inspiration, one on one .

If i could win myself , you'll neva beat me .

ANd those BSing pple , i could only forgive and let go .... Its ok , i've been there , and i know what it felt like ....

Beyond the CT

2007-07-04T23:16:00.000+08:00

Woah ...

Right its the aftermath of the CTs which offered us a glimspe of the progress we are making in school curriculum . Go blog surfing and you'll find almost every school's students hurling obscenities at everything that contributed to the misery . And its not any better for me , no but i refrain from staining this site ( i'm not such a vulgar person dun ya think) .

ITs a whooped U for maths , which was much expected considering i only touched it the last few days available . And a mind blowing C for physics , which i was most pissed with since its the sub i spent most time in and was more confident ... C for physics , guess no H3 for me , not if only some miraculous coincidence comes knocking .

NO space for regrets , since i hadnt really committed much in studying , cept for those study sessions with team or after training study at bishan lib , much of which productivity was an all-time low . But serious , i dun want to have to make it this way . I wasnt born to accept circumstances imposed limitations without a struggle , even if i'm going in an exam hall with nought knowledge of it i'll squeeze every available mark out of the questions with homemade theories , special logical derivations and skillfully phrase explanations that even i find quite interesting even though they were out of place ... ( i wrote a paragraph full of explanation and justification of my answer in the maths paper )

Back to training issues , there doesnt seem to be any turn of luck . Bad bad bad average timings that make me wonder what the hell am i participating in the race at all ... Ending up in a weird race , at a weird time , with weird competitors , shat i might as well be training just so that i wont get last in the race and malu in front of the crowd . Its not consoling to know that there'll be tons of others i know around to see me lagg behind the pack which , i dun really want to admit . Its what we speak into existence that can affect the way it happens . After all didnt God say " let there be light " and there was light?

Man i've been missing church too often its becoming a norm . Makes me feel guilty that i'm not feeling guilty for doing so . Duh

OK training today after school was kind of wrapping up the loose ends so that they dun trip u over when u're trying to utillise them . INstead of chionging to clock timing again , this time we were given the freedom to go out on our own , go own time own target , focus more on technique and familiarization , visualization . Not that it didnt help , but i kinda lost my aim and wandered off to my own world .

PLus the fact that TPJC was around playing afool at the pontoon , clogging up vital channels , making their presence truly felt , irritating everyone . Ah MJC popped out of nowhere , but they sticked to the unwritten rules and kept out of our business likewise we did our best to accomodate . IN the end it was still a mess . And since the rest of the J1s joined us today , ah , so we went overtime again .

In addition to the short sprints with the seniors , I managed to get myself arrowed for K4 near end of training . Went a few rounds with RS,GJ and Nic . Well , the K4 was a good springboard and stepping stone to getting confience in K boats paddling , since they given somewhat controlled stability enough to start paddling , but once gotten familiarized with K1 , K4 became a nuisance. Its like once u gotten fine tuned to the motion of sustained paddling , u get the feeling of each and every rock , tilt , lean , list , how they fare , what they lead to , how dangerous , how to react to it .
So systematically u'll come up with a mind programming known as habits which are unique to yourself . But in a K4 , this neva works . Even more that i'm at the back , my movements are felt the most by the others in the boat . Movements that i am familiar with , that i know are not dangerous , and which i know can e constructive , like the mini tilts when recoverying strokes , but not so to others who developed a different sets of habits such that they react so completely different to u ... Multiply that by 4 and u have a very slow K4 ...
And since most of them very hum when paddling , m given my vantage position at the back which allows me to oversee everyone and more control on boat , me many times purposely give them violent but controlled jerks to scare em to moving offf .... whoo sry me not trying to act seh here hahax

Ah ok some other intersting things , and since i sorta promised Nic to post abt him ... Yeah today Chris was perpetually stuck to him thruout ... Or maybe not just so happens that when i return for breaks in between sets , passing by always see em together , Chris cap Nic was towing her , Nic tailing her from behind ... Eh not my fault that i just so happen to see this everytime , so cant blame me for thinking so hahax ...
And yah dinner time since eating together , and the lack of seating made us split 3 ways , with 3 differnt conversation topics ... My table talking all serious stufff :future trainging , issues abt the team , exams etc ... RS's table all talking abt something abt comparing who armpit hair long ???
3rd table was Chris who's still with Nic, and i dunno wat they takl talk talk abt ... That being so , chris was asking me to sit with em if not like a bit ostracising them lahx ...

ME tactfully turned it down for obvious reasons : it takes skill to be an effective light bulb .

The holidays revisited

2007-06-23T23:53:00.000+08:00

ANd so time has proven itself impossible to retain save for in memories . Coming to a concluding phase of the june holidays , tot i should do a post as a summary .

Yeah much have happened within the 4 week span , spending some time as a reflection , I'm quite amazed by how much that have passed and i havent gotten a grasp of everything ...
Though much of the holidays are spent in training , those long mundane days that ever seem so repetitive of itself , but yeah its been a good long holiday that provided time to sharpen up the skills in the K1 ....

And ever since i passed that stage , leaving the clumsiness of basic boat handling , transffered over to bedok for training with the seniors , kinda learnt a lot , both in skills and intellectually .
Knowing the senior team more closely , despite their extreme small size , bout 11, 12 pple max , but yeah that kind of size for a team makes good for everyone to be close to each other. No one gets left out , everyone's involved kind of relation , its a kind of closeness outsiders might not fully understand , cos even me , i find that yeah the seniors are really closely bonded , and i might not fully integrate into them ... After alll i am but from another batch ...
It leaves quite something for us to think abt and learn , to make the same out of our own batch . What do we have , at the end of the day , as a batch , what legacy , what impression are we to leave behind to our next batch of juniors? How are we going to do ourselves and the name of the team proud?

ONe thing that i found out , that these batch of seniors , the 2nd batch of SAJC canoeing , are actually the first actual batch to receive a full 2 year training program as a team ... Prior to that , the pioneer batch didnt really had time to fully prepare. And hence this year , The A div Championships , this batch holds a promise to their seniors , a promise to take "revenge" , a promise that they'll not let down the efforts of the pioneers .. Quite impactfull actually when coach was briefing them abt this reminding abt the promise the other day ... Briefing them as a batch , analysing them as a batch , while i was sitting along side , absorbing this rare chance to see the seniors batch 's past and deeper experience ... Each and everyone of them has seen a lot more i havent got to see ... HOw the team started out , the days they were at kallang , then to jurong then to bedok . Like a sort of a shared team history . This is their history , this is their legacy .
They have come thus far , and i believe that there's nothing more worthwhile to be able to see the the live action the growth of the fruits of one's own labour . To know that every sweat every minute spent in the boat goes a long way back and mean a hell lot of difference when put to the ultimate test . To have no regrets ...

And when their share of the show has ended,its up to us to create our own share of that history . We may not be the best , we may not have taken back every medal in the championships , but its the process of fighting for it thats worth reliving .

Ah ok enough of emo crap .... Some of the things i find intersting that happen during holiday

1) Finally setting clean record of zero capsize in a single training day . Nonetheless , still have random booms here and there on rare occasions

2) Getting stuck in seaweed bed in seletar reservoir .

3) Crapping at guang jie's hse after trainings to "study" session ending up as watch tv mahjong and what-not

4) Nearly causing the boat to sink while towing back yong's downed SwiftRacing K1 ... Bad management of inertia , conservation of momentum , applied too mcuh force end up i jumped out my own boat to hug his boat till reach pontoon ... Otherwise its a $1000 donation to the reservoir

5)Taking K2 with Jon Gan with which we turned the sprint kayak into a sprint submarine ..( me 73kg + him 77kg =150 kg ) We sat in the boat so low in the water , our fore deck was barely out of the water surface .

6) During an after training free "training" period , me , tzetian , edmund , wai kit,rafting up at the far side of the reservoir to take a MEGA wash from the wakeboarder's powerboat . (yes a bloddy wakeboarder in the reservoir !~!?) Felt like a washing machine

7) laughing at joshua and hanming who capsize also because of a similar MEGA wash

8) Cursing some ITE's dragonboat team who went on a rampage charging wherever they were at , including while i was trying to park at the pontoon ... ( Imagine u trying to maneuver a K1 to park and then a dragon boat came at charging at u )

9) Earning the rights to use the two LiangJin K1s ... Wooo smoothest boat i used ... Too bad i overweight for the Regatta ....:-/

10)Did the most spectacular recovery in my short kayaking experience ... ME was near the bedok reservoirs first bay when i lost balance ... Went all the way down nearly 80 degrees before i responded with a last minute brace and pulled myself upright again ... ( my elbows were already in the water ... had i acted slower i might as well have done a complete roll)

11) Imitating VJC pple to drink reservoir water using the wing paddle as a scoop

12) Getting pricked by the carbon fiber from my wing paddle while i was admiring it :P

13 ) Achieving personal best K1 500m timing with the aid of a 12 knot downwind :P

14) getting scolded for cutting 3 lanes while sprinting sets .

15) Blatantly giving backwash to TPJC's C rowers who attmpted to tailgate me

16) Enjoying hot water showers at Temasek Poly after trainings

theres a lot more ... i shant list everything

OH yah in addition i realised that during this holiday period ... A lot of pple have gotten Girl or Boy friends ...

1)Jin Kahn who so randomly gotten an RGS girl whom he said was his Goddad's daughter ....

2) Natty (RJC) who showed up at coffe bean with some SA girl but till now i dunno who the hell was that

3) Zany (NJC) who i saw at khatib with some VJ girl and later confirm is his GF

4) Marcus(NYJC) who i saw at Upp thomson while having dinner with team , holding hands with a girl

5) Nicholas and Christine from team who just recently confessed being together ... WOOOOO

Training with a goal

2007-06-13T23:03:00.000+08:00

yeah i'm back in Bedok now since this week ............
Supposedly for the lack of equipment so only a few of us are now training with the seniors .Bloody random though these few days the J1s are too returing to Bedok to train for some undisclosed reason ... That leaves those boats and Seletar left untouched ... So much for efficient usage . WOnder y the thell we shifted em to seletar in the first place..

And yeah also i'm doing good now on the K1 . Havent had a legal capsize for quite some time now so maintaining the good luck streak
( illegal capsizes not valid ... INcludes random capsizes off the pontoon , cap while scratching face , drinking water playing etc etc ... )

BUt the problem now is my fitness still rather off limits when put comparison to the rest of the team ... True i may have a certain headstart advantage when training with the seniors , having more water time and making them more productive by going long distance (>10km) . BUt the fact is it does not really mean a lot . HOw much i can fare as a racer would really depend on how long i can sustain , how much efficiency my lungs would provide , how rapid my muscles can recover . These are all the fundamental issues and wat all racers compete with each other .

HOw much do i dare to dream , how far would i go for this dream , all that hardship and time spent condensed into one race that determines the worthinesss of the efforts , and also of our very own competence ... How long would it take for me to break , when would i start thinking of slackier alternatives is determined by how strong my mind would stay ... Its not easy , no one ever said it will be

I need to train , i need to train , i need to train ... BUt how long would my mind remain faithful to me and keep reminding myself this ...

Oh , and we just lost another guy today ... sad sad sad , wat really happened i dunno , but i reached only to be told we've got one more casualty who was bombed by coach during the earlier session of J1 training ... dude , this suck ... the team is beginning to take shape and now this ...
Wth pls stop pls stop , i wont grumble of the lack of equipment , i wouldnt be choosy between the Tropical or SwiftRacing boats , i wont grumble of having to take paddles 10cm too long for me ... PLs bring my team back to me

Pull me up !!!!!!!!!

2007-06-05T21:24:00.000+08:00

THAT SUCKED

YES it does .... When after so much and so far at least there might be a reward for all that work . WTH has it really all gone down the drain?

Shat, training today was a real wake up call for me .
Pre-training training from MR Q who so randomly turned up at the reservoir in the morning to give us PT ... Wait , thats not a complain nor grumbling , its me who has failed to make the mark . All went fine till it reached to have to do pull-ups .
And i failed the test miserably .... BLoody HeLL wake up your Idea !!!! Its june now !!! ANd I still cant do body weight sets .... So end up Tian had provide support at the quads to pull me backwards when i pulled up , so that more of my effort could be directed at pulling up instead of resisting the natural tendency to swing and squirm ... Support!!! Support for pull ups !!????!! I thought that was but a thing of the past ....

Wats with all those breaks spent at the back gate pull up bars ??? (back gate bars , cos too paiseh to do at fitness corner ) ... Shat , so much with all those talks abt fighting for racing slot , so much for thinking abt beating the best .... At this rate , that shall be a thing of coffeeshop talks if u still rely on others to even do pull ups ...

wake up YANG wake up ....

K4 , like nothing in the reservoir

2007-06-01T18:44:00.000+08:00

Right since so long did i properly manage this blog ...

Like some of the progresses over the time when i wasnt around , including more and more trainings .

Now since holiday started the training schedule is like everyday , plus the fact that have to rush study for the common test when school reopens . Pretty much rips off me any much available spare time , and now I'm gonna have to miss several session off the EMERGE conference ..... Shat man time is really running past fast , in a zoom the week is ending and i didnt really have a lot of time to reflect abt it ... Other than Mon and Tues which i went for the NUS physics lectures with Nigel ... All memories abt it is a blur lost within the not so deep waters of Bedok reservoir ...

Haix

Good thing is , hahax theres good progress in training . I just managed to earn my rights to the wing paddle , actually not so much as earn it , seems that everyone's getting their chance to use , a much coverted piece of equipment that was yet so sacred and holy (due to the Nick's incident with illegal usage of the wing that almost got him booted from the team) .

KEy events is that for the past two days , much of my water time was spent playing around with the new K4 ... Coach basically started experimenting with various combinations of crews for the K4 and also to train the drivers for boat control .
Aye first trip down , Wai kit at the helm ,Wee Ling and Guang Jie and Me at the back . Had to try to coordinate our movements ; any slight jerks or weight shifts was well felt by everyone else in the boat , which may be disastrous when we were moving at those speeds typical for K4 sustained movements . Overall good balance and it felt real shiok to be reaching into the realm of higher level speeds ...

Next trip down , Ling and Jie replaced by Matt and Nelson taking the middle two seats . The crew this time was screwed right from the start . Right off the pontoon we faced a leftward list partially contributed by me (whoops) and wobbly jerks . This time round, didnt succeed in any proper sustained paddling. Every few strokes we faced a bad jerk which we braced water to maintain balance .
In addtion to the fact that we failed to proper communicate our intentions to move , so whenever one person leans slightly to the right , someone else would think we're losing balance and hence try to counteract by leaning left . Which then sends a signal to the first person to lean right even more to counter this counter-action. Bad time , we ended up oscillating all the way to the far side of the racing lanes before all these mistakes compounded into a big counter-jerking so much that we cap'd ! Ouch , end up having to be rescued by seniors ... Dam tedious work just to bring back a downed K4

Yeah but end up it was me and Wai kit stuck in the K4 on permanent taxi duty and serve as a crew to let others have a try out on the K4 , after which we were rotated out to rest individually . Yong at the helm was equally a joke as us . THink it was Ling and someone else (probably Qian , or is it?) and me behind , then Yong was happily doing a perfect complete paddle motion that included full body twisting , save the fact that this caused his stroke frequency to be downright klutz. End up the three of us behind paddled in unison in fast, light strokes, while Yong was lost in his own world in slow, complete strokes . No insult but it kinda made us look like clowns looking from the shore ...

Best combination was yet was the time Jack ,Eugene (who were originally K2 partners already) , HuiQin and me , which hence made me the noobest rower in the crew ... Relatively stable save for minor jerks which were a nuisance when rowing ... Guess i was too nervous , esp when they decided to start sprinting .
Gosh i had to squeeze all my will not to make any unnecessary movements lest they be amplified under the speed we were moving at . Trying to keep up with the frequency was manageable , keeping still was much harder... But aye ultimately , hahax the K4 is really cool :D ... Felt as if we could take on a fully crewed dragonboat anytime ...

Hahax could have described a few more trips but i seriously need go study ... Nvm ....

What am I to say

2007-05-16T22:15:00.000+08:00

Never had there been since a day like one in which we were to enjoy ourselves if not looking forward to yet another . Nor will we fail to relish and relive each moment spent with friends whom just seem unseperatable. And it seemed so real , but time and again time itself has proven what things could turn its tables on you , just right when you're not looking , and time flies by and you find yourself at a loss of actions and words and things have become too late and too little . (Duh y did I type that for ?)

Bedok > Seletar ... for now
Aye nvm . Right so since whence has blogger decided to take my buisness again . Its been messing up for the past weeks , and i havent really sorted it out . Trainings have been rather unfruitful the past weekend. NOw that we've shifted over to seletar , i thought that should have been a new fresh start from which we could pull away from the misery. Wishful thinking ... Now i love Bedok ever more that before . Nah not i dun like seletar , its still too early to make direct statements , but the first impression hasnt reallly made be very impressed.
The training came and went with me having zero water time ... Basket i was at the shoreline testing out the new water condition and helping pple launching the boats off cos the makeshift pontoon were crowded with dragonboats in prep for the race going on next day . And mind u the water is so full of crap , mud grass weeds algae twigs , u name it . And they actually drink from it. So happily went for abt 5 mins , then so rapidly did the patch of big bad black clouds assume blasting position hover on top of us we were caught off guard when the first bolt crashed some fraction of a second away only. Alarm sound all to evac and head back up .

Amidst thunder and lightning striking too cloase for comfort we grudgingly moved the boats quickly back in b4 the heaven started to refill the reservoir . And we had to do Land fitness training in the boat shed cos coach deemed it fit and that we had nothing to do while trapped by the rain. Moving around the confined space we started on all those star jumps crunches push up . Dam no paddling at all . None .

All right so seletar aside theres still more to put forth as a unpleasant fact faced .

First is , because of the resettlement issue , the reamining two precious wednesday trainings for J1 is cancelled cos J2 still training at bedok , and coach neva managed to master astro-space particle physics , shape-shifts , and fen shen shu. So he cannot be at two places at one time .

Second , since we split two ways , the resources available too becomes shared . True at seletar we have a more private space against interference and proper facilities like the shed and toilet etc . BUt the limitedness of the boats is a frustrating fact that most just cant seem to get over . There isnt enough to go around , and JESUS didnt do the " turn water into boats " miracle , nor fed us five paddles two boats. And we wont find 12 baskets worth of leftover boats anywhere .

Our precious water time :( ..............duh

Eat Sleep Train Study

2007-04-27T23:37:00.000+08:00

19-04-07

Sighz

Nowadays I'm all occupied up to the minute . No doubt and it stills maintains a stable orbital around Canoeing . And I thought this type of hectic schedules only applies to the start of the year when we were but trying to adapt to the rapid changes . Seriously it sounds rather absurd but all thats is can summarise into these four words : EAT SLEEP TRAIN STUDY

EAT : Nothing fancy also . For this matter coach took a whole bit of de-briefing time after water training to lecture us on the importance of diet habits . BAsically on his " xian dan " of not falling sick , to maintain alkaline body . But hor given the fact that our body is slight acidic , thought later become alkaline will die one notz ? haha ... Oh yah one key part of alkaline diet mean its VEGETARIAN ... Abstaining from meat , but given certain circumstances like at home i also try lah , try .....

SLEEP: Sleep is one deprived part . Days with training i come home already like 8-9 plus depending on the training and days . Well now that have got PW to do end up having to work at night on the computer , researching perfecting the paper , and finding faults with it and re-perfecting it . The prob is everytime i re-type i find even more faults and flaws . Sianz

Train: I guess I dun have to talk a lot about it . Other than usual fitness training and the likes of it , realise our water progress isnt really that optimum. I 'm ok with the T1 , maybe a little more stamina needed to maintain long distance power strokes . Playing out the K1 and K2 , attempting to balance andrealised that the sculling we were drilled into really works alot in balancing ... But my proficiency still not that good .

Another thing is that we're losing pple by the week . Tons of them quitted , one by one some are fired , rejected , and sent off. Let it never be me , I dun want to have come so far to be told i cannot make it . Hmm... really cos at this point of time I think I shouldnt be still worrying about whether anot i get to stay . But the stress is in the air , I'm not gonna deny the fact that i may not be the best , but still i give it my best , my all Kinda brings to memory the old phrase from the Scout Hymn : " Grant as I promise , courage new for me , to be the best , the best that I can be "

Study: Thats an important part of school we often forgo. Its a part of a sacrifice all of us knew when we first joined . And having stayed thus far we have made the commitment to balnce it as best as we can . Well at least for me its always been a hassle to find myself at a lack of time , when all procrastinations condensed into one night one plain despair . SO on non-training days its always me hanging out in the library till closing . Mugger if i have to be labelled , but WTH i cant even find a open time slot for a tuition , even as now i bit by bit mess up my work .

Opportunity costs of training = study ... Law of diminshing marginal utility comes into play here ... Haiz

Runner's High

2007-04-05T22:56:00.000+08:00

HOOOOOooooooooo.......

---Another widely publicized effect of endorphin production is the so-called "runner's high", which is said to occur when strenuous exercise takes a person over a threshold that activates endorphin production. Endorphins are released during long, continuous workouts, when the level of intensity is between moderate and high, and breathing is difficult. This also corresponds with the time that muscles use up their stored glycogen and begin functioning with only oxygen. Workouts that are most likely to produce endorphins include running, swimming, cross-country skiing, long distance rowing, bicycling, aerobics, or playing a sport such as basketball, soccer, or football.---[Cite source , http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endorphin]

Right so the point abt this is goes quite a way back to yesterday's training ......

The night(ie tuesday night) before there i was doing a little timely reflection abt myself and my own circle of influence and namely what i am doing .

In terms of CANOEING here we are at this stage where we find ourselves standing along the sideline . Looking at the seniors do their sprinting sets during water trainings was a way to keep things in mind that it was like a prequel glimspe into our very near future . Was supposed to have a sculling test by coach to determine our competence in boat handling .
Well the T1 isnt really a hell lot of a good racer , maintaining equilibrium of its standing between the more common racers and training boats . Pretty much served its purpose for us , after all these 3 months it was these Ts that kept us occupied and gave us "wings to fly " (for a lack of a better metaphor," oars to paddle")

So it seems that we're here with hell lotsa ezperience? Well after all there's still the 2nd intake pple of which we're could flaunt out to ...
Talk abt a bigger field , here is us Team SAJC canoeing at Bedok reservoir , and maybe we could be forgiven for indulging in the thought that we might well be the superiors in the field of canoeing racing ? Well we've got a good coach , comfortable budget , great training area , good teachers and a mind-boggling team assembled ... THINK AGAIN !!!

Saw Clayton Chew the other day at macritchie ... So here he comes NJC Canoeing , and man i dun wanna admit but he's hell lot a fitter person than i knew him to be . 3 months was all it took to turn him from a fat,big , weak , gook into one hell of a rower .... Well they're the champ undisputed , so IF WE ARE TO BE THE CHAMPS , WE TRAIN LIKE THE CHAMPS ...

Which was what's that on my mind ... So here's my little prayer that night :" Dear GOD , I have a hectic training schedule tmrw . Morning training , PE , then water training ... I'm not gonna even ask u to make it a easy day for me . I ask that YOU make it the kind of training we're supposed to be having ... MAKE US THE CHAMP ... AMEN!!!"

Coming back a little closer on wednesday , well after all that hapened in the morn which was quite some running done plus PE ... We're supposed to have our water training , but this time the 2nd intake is coming along with us ...
So much for water training , we simply had long briefing for the benefit of the newcomers by coach and his trademark hour long introductory speech . I shall not elaborate ...

KEy part is next... "ALL right guys u all go for two rounds and come back here guys and girls together "
Sounds good huh? 2 rounds ... Considering that one round the reservoir is like 4.3 KM !!! ... SO I thought "Here it comes , Train like a champ ... ME and my big mouth "

"SO WE PRESS WITH EAGER FEET ..." uh ... went with ZHi HAo and hence decided not to block anyone;s way considering the average speed of both of us. Hung at the back of the whole guy's pack thruout the whole run ... TOtal timing for 8.6KM : 1hr 2 min. Not impressive ... BUt that what i got , what they called the RUNNER'S HIGH. Adrenaline plus endorphin plus all those natural steroids pumping thru the veins at the last leg . SERIOUS , i could feel it the HIGH u get for continous exercise . Its like a sudden surge of um... "happiness" and enthusiasm as I run and run and run mindlessly . AFter that ... just shagged out .....

The power of a prayer .... Its powerful ... Dun abuse it ... Me and big mouth ......

Emo recovery mechanism ... lolx

2007-03-31T22:52:00.000+08:00

Sheesh ...

Coming around the corner point of this whole mess I landed myself in , a pit dug over the years and slowly accumulating the depth till light finally was blocked off the edge .... The issue here is not church becoming boring , nor is it a struggle with the Creator .

Years before, when I first stepped over to the Light side of earth ,(ie. go to church... sry getting a little poetic ) I acted as if I was here to "set things right with God Himself", to "expand my own horizon beyond the shanty town of Bishan ", and all those politically correct model answers anyone cound think up of when questioned with the reason for having made to become christian .

Nah the root was , trying to get some healthy companionship with a different circle of friends , which , well , everything the cell group had provided for . THAT , being so , was a key restrainer that kept me staying in church so so long . Yeah I know its not really good now , but hey then was the me in sec 2 ... NOw will i understand truly how in-the-well-frog wass the days in Cat High like ... Dun get me worng I love them all , but somehow there's that something missing from the perfect kind of school life pple alll looking out for ...

Now if i were to trace the problem back , it all boiled down to this : I tried to let my frens in church overtake the importance of God himself ...
Which is why i think HE has HIS way of setting things right to its proper manner.

Its goes in a pattern ...

2004 march-Me first time go church , enjoyed myself with the old N127, hanged around with them quite a bit ... Kinda made it my way of life , too much focus on the pple and less of the main reason why i'm here ... June we multiplied , half the pple left ...

2004~2005 Around this period of time again with the relatively new cell group we had a fun time bonding ... Clicked together always and it really felt like family .... After a while the same kind of effect happen (now as i look back i realised ... at that time it wasnt so crystal clear to me )... Then came mid 2005 we multiplied again .... ONce more I see pple i grew so close to leaving ....

2006~2007 - Around this period of the year was when i was most actively serving in Usher MInistry ... Hyped up with the serving ... Every addtional logistic support duty i'll be there , every pm , conference , wateva , i'll be part of the usher crew ... Grew close to my team , to the s ection then to everyone as a whole ... Which then well , it felt as if serving in the ministry climbed on top of God to me .... Frens in the ministry were like brothers in arms ......

Present - NOw summarising all above , its was always me neglecting church for some reason that let to a period of down-ness , which help in the recovery of emotional attachments ... And its always Him initiating the recovery mechanism , to set my paths straight again ... HOwever painful the transition may be ... Cos for now sudd church feels mundane ... maybe its just another chance for me to focus back to Him again ... After this , its time to pick up where i left off again ... To mend broken relationships and reatke up posts and respondsibilities .... hahax

What I am trying to say is , hey , I'm OK ... PPle keep asking me if i am having depression after reading my previous posts ...

Priorities set right ...

2007-03-25T23:34:00.000+08:00

Cranked out ....

My life is revolving around Canoeing ... Long time neva blogged ... so when i wanted to write something , theree wasnt anything but canoeing in my mind ... Well its good and bad ...
But given the irony things have become ... Talking with Clarence the other day made me realise this ....
By grace i was given a chance in SAJC ... (well i barely skimmed the cut-off point of 8) ... God then let me pass the Canoeing selections (which well i was quite suprised )... NOw ... I am so taken up by Canoeing that i neglect church ....
Its not that i'm complaining ... I dun resent the long and often trainings ... I love the team ... I love the sport ...

Somewhere along the line of time ... an indefinite period or point in time ... I stepped over this imaginary line ... From that time , i forgot when , the switch over was made , all that fervour , passion , that was for the church and cell group and ministry was replaced by an addiction to water ... (quite literally) ... I havent went for sunday church svc for like a month ... I havent seriously commit to Ushers and cell group for how long ...

Yong Wei, my dear usher team leader, sought me out on Sat after the svc , rather concerned about my prolonged absence ... Everyone around could sense the difference .... ChenYang have changed ... What happened man ? Beats me .... Its just not the same anymore ... Its not getting any better ... I need to make a decision on whether to stay on ... Thats what he said :"I know what u feel ... i'm not pressuring u ... At the end of your A level years , then ur army years ... TOtal 4 years ... At the 4 years , what do you see yourself as in the church ? PCGL? Ministry leader? " He hit the point... What am I gonna be ?

ON closer analysis ... Just so happens that the USHER MINISTRY GROUP 4 had to have a internal re-shuffling at the point of time i was making a transition to JC lifestyle ... NOt much of lifestyle .. Rather that the environment, the cultural shock ,the pple ...
Prior that i was all about Ushers ... Every PM , special conference , Svc , meetings etc i would be present ... Getting the hang of it ... The endless spent folding bulletins , shifting chairs , directing human traffic flow , in the carpark ... EXPO Hall 8 wat has that meant to me ?

Setting priorities ... Yeah ... I'm not gonna try to lie to myself .. There were times when i thought , maybe , just maybe , that i could let God not be the first .... WHy had I been so ready to skip church for training on Sundays ? WHy was I so reluctant to go for cell group after training on Fridays ?

Its me rambling again ... Verbal diarrhoea ... shat ... No more insipirations ... And dun worry abt me .. I'm not depressed , I'm just spitting my mind off and pondering abt my own situation

Orientation 2 aftermath

2007-03-11T23:53:00.000+08:00

WHam...

Just so now reaching into the school holidays after the Orientation 2 , which well isnt as much fun , or in this case the felling of an orientation isnt any strong anymore ... Maybe its just us SA J1 veterans who are not as enthussiastic abt it and not really making an effort to reach and and bond with the pple ... Dun get me wrong it has nothing to do with the councillors ... They probably put in as much if not more effort for this orientation programme ... Its just that to me the whole enviroment has already blended into my system ... And that includes the pple and area ...
So going thru this orientation the most comfortable thing to do is to hang out with pple already know and play thru it ... But hey i didnt outcast the newcomers ok .....

After orientation ended some of us (07S07) met up to have supper over at one of the coffee shop which joel nicked it "chicken rice" before hopping over to macs ... Then saw Zelda our dear O1's OG24's OGL ... Brings back to remeberance the time where we first day of school ... Blur and disoriented (hence the necessity of an orientation) newcomers all of us was ... That time first day when we gathered outside the General Office in the mess of a parade of school uniforms ... PPle in all sorts of uniform sha-shaying around (well ... not really lah )... Then some one annouced : "J1s , please start heading into the cultural center!!!!"
Well at that point in time this phrase kept resounding in me ....
"J1s please start heading into the cultural center"
"J1s please start ..."
"J1s please"
"J1s"
"J1s"
"J1s!!!!!!!"
IT was like Oh my gosh ... I'm J1 !?!?!
I'm always used to the times back in scouts when we were basically ordered by level ...
"Sec 1s go fetch the equipment..."
"Sec 1s gather at the grandstand"
"Sec2s all u all KNOCK IT DOWN !!!!"
"Sec 3s tmrw all meet at 1 pm ..."
"Sec 4s whos coming down tmrw to help?..."

Bascially ... anyone with a J-prefix to their names was like a supreme being ....
So in my untested mindset I was still stuck in my eggshell ... J - the magic word ... J spells authority ...
So when that person said "J1s pls ...." it completed my initiation of the mind ... I AM A J1 ......

Looking back .... the seniors who call PAE the "honeymoon" period probably meant it straight from their heart and probably deeper from the arteries ... When we treated like we owned the school ... Fool around , sleep in lectures , class gathering , OG gathering , CCA gathering , ex-class gathering , last min copy tutorials , choosing to stone in the cafe ( remember saints its pronounced - "Kare-ffff") rather than attend lessons... I miss u all ...
And despite what many pple say , i'm not complaining ... I dun say "oei y so many pple leave" or "Sianz i got no frens staying" ... I'm relishing the memories and safe keeping them so they remain a part of my life ... So when i lookin back again after graduation i can really say "JC rawks !!!" or something like that, and still have a basis to prove my point ...

Through rain or shine... To those who say goodbye ...

2007-03-07T00:18:00.000+08:00

Hmm

Suffice to say , I am staying in SAJC for this JAE intake ... And there are many who are not ...through those rain or shine (literally rainy days and scorching days) that we've been thru , dear OG 24 , 07S07, dun forget us that there's still this bunch that are always grateful for ur presence ... Remember , "NO one is here by Chance " I am really glad to have been ur fren ... BE it involuntarily or intentionally , this is for all those who are leaving us ... THANK YOU

(Editor's note: I'm sorry its very late now and there orientation tmrw.. i mean this morning ... Too tired to squeeze anything insipirational out of my brain...I shall continue again next time )

(Edited 10/3/07-11:32 PM)

To Pee Hua , my dear angel whom i never reciprocated her letters , now that I dun have a chance to give , yikes ... Sry lah did I deprive u of a good and sporting mortal ? Nvm but really leh i have it prepared during the final class outing that time but u left early b4 i realised it then whoops too bad ... Haha

Tired ... depressed

2007-03-03T00:08:00.000+08:00

我很累

Very Very tired now ... the physical exhaustion has converted directly into emotional lethargic-ness .. Been running on a very busy schedule lately , balancing school , training , plus various activitiies , even though some of them may not be very necessary , (Eg . impromptu class outings ) ...

This week end shall again be burnt in Canoe training ... so was last week ... come to think of it pple like sharon and ceyong i have been seeing them everyday without fail cos of being in the same class and same cca duh ... and just so happens that both them are the cg reps ....... coincidental ?

Feeling somehow quite low , partially due to lack of sleep , partially to whatsoever reson i cant explain ... just return from cell group meeting at jaryl's ... realised that somehow , the appeal of being around the cell group some how faded along the way as time passed by ... not being so relevant anymore , cell group has become another group of pple i just so happen to know ... ARgh why is this so ? i feel so far away ... where is the old lively N127 that always was one of the most impt group of pple in my life ... where is the old CY that never fails to turn up for every meeting , outing , PM,ever enthusiastic abt church , ....

What does God and church mean to me ? how long was it since i took time out to for my personal quiet time with Him ? i cant answer , i cant find it in me ... i lost it , i failed to comprehend the rationale of the situation , its a mess , i dunno how to pick it back up , i want to walk away , shucks what is happening to my life .....

Yong wei called me the other day ... asked me if had any interest to rise up in the Usher Minstry ... come to think of it i have been in there for more than 1 year ... Some how , it isnt up to me to decide ... the me now cant handle my own timing and schedule ... how am i expected to assist in the running of the team of ushers ... argh .. had he asked me during the hols i would have snapped it up ... then time was free to me ... now it is a scarcity ... hyperinflation in time ... duh

I am losing my senses i dunno wat am i writing anymore ... good night ...

1st water training

2007-02-28T23:02:00.000+08:00

Feeling good ...

Just had the first official Canoeing water training for J1s in the afternoon .... Which isnt really that great to talk abt but it was a good learning experience .... Rowing around the water with a standard round hulled kayak (i forgot the official model name) takes some practice really ... Cos today over there at the jurong lake park near chinese garden i kinda screwed myself up fumbling with the controls of my boat ....
I can stand here and blame the wet weather that reduced visibility , blame the park management for opening the main floodgate that caused such unstable currents in the waters , blame the coach for assigning me to a lousy boat ...
At the end of the day i have to admit that my skills kinda suck ... Cant even maintain a tight steering to keep the direction straight ... At first set off with Ceyong GuanJie ZiYonD they all with the round hulled boat ... End up i lagged at the back cos i keep moving in a zig zag direction that no amount of stern rudder efforts would keep it in place ... Attempts on course correction using sweeping turns made things worse ... End up when i looked behind when making sweep strokes i can see the path on the water my boat is taking ... Resembled a i giant "S" ... maybe that explains y i lagged cos i covered about a third more dist than the others with the irregular course .... in addition the current was strong enough to blow me off the makeshift mini jetty as i waited off the shore for my turn to disembark ... took some effort to steer it back ...

More Interesting things include trying out the T1 competition boat for the first time ... those T series boats have a narrower cockpit and deck plus a "V" shaped hull that supposed to make it more streamlined but the downside was less balance so need more skill to play with these boats , and they seemed to cost quite a lot more ... but yeowch i cap'd twice on it despite being right next to the shoreline ... disgracefull :(
The J2s were using the K series boats that were even more narrower .... so guess i should complain less and practice more next time ... duh so much for the confidence i had of rowing a boat ... its not that easy mind u ...

And yah to lighten things up ... guess wat ... i kena attack by leeches !!!! At first i first saw it while in the water helping ShiKun balancing with his T1 when i felt somethin slimy on his hull underwater ... when we flipped it over to empty water then i saw IT ... a greenish wormy abt the size of a index finger was stuck on the boat ... Zhi Hao came over and scratched it off and flicked it into the water with a paddle ... And we thought that was the last of it ... SO all this while i was barefooted inthe water ... and the water bed was muddy and rocky so i couldnt really feel anything abnormal against the rocks ... sSo when i climbed back on shore , imagine my surprise when i saw our dear green friend above my ankle ... tried slapping it off but it held on tight , and pulling at it it simply stretched its body .... So I yelled for attention and those behind who just came back came over ... miss ong who was on further on shore ran back to the store to get help ... she came back with a can of antiseptic spray and sprayed it on the creature on my leg ... when it refused to budge , we spammed the spray can till finnally the worm gave up and wriggled off ... we put it on a leaf and placed it in a plastic box from the lady in charge of the sea sports club ... said something about providing edvidence to the superiors abt the presence of leeches ... seems that i was the first case to kena leeched .... So this poor 'ol leech got his turn of life imprisonment ... so mr leech next time beforee u suck my blood , pls check the price tag ... they dun come cheap u know ...
Ms ong took a picture of the worm ... I'll try get it from her ....

CNY aftermath

2007-02-22T23:20:00.000+08:00

UH
aftermath of CNY celebration .... NOthing much happen , cos this year there wasnt too much of visiting due to the fact that my grandfather passed away like last year then there's this taboo somewhere or another in a certain chinese law book that restrict visiting to this person that person , this and that , so I simply stayed away from wateva they do lah , i dun really bother abt all those funny customs and rituals ... As if i would give a crap .... Avoided excessive gorging otherwise i really need kowtow to the Canoe team and beg for forgiveness ...

Even so , training on wednesday felt more tough than usual , either that or really the inactivity during the break has really taken a toll on our bodies ... During the intermissonal running felt weak on the limbs , wat kept me going was a resounding phrase "when I am weak , then you are strong " thats an adaptation from 2cor12:10 i found out later , ... and it came rather random so i didnt know WTH just beared on with it .... Kinda shag off after that , and to make things worse, the warm down felt kinda sloppily done and that resulted in various cramps and aches that clinged on to me thru out today ...

But hey went home to reflect and looked up on that magic verse .... quite touched by it actually even though i had no absolutely no prior thinking of it when it came at that moment when i felt really weak (in the limbs that is ) ..The whole context might be made clearer if i list it out ....

2cor12:9 ..."My grace is sufficient for you , for my strength is made perfect in weakness"
v10 ... "therefore .... for when I am weak ,then I am strong "

So it just at that crucial moment it kept me going on .... To think of it what I have got so far its all miraculously brought to me .... Catholic high had 3 prelims for my year .... Flunked out the first 2 with results of abt L1R5 of 30 + .... Then came the last one which knocked me to my senses: with this result i dun have a future!! lolx a bit exaggerated but wth , which school to go accepts 30 pointers ?(JCs lah i mean , no intention to suan other pple but i dun have plans to go other educational pathways) ... Picked myself up and went for it .... and despite the big gap i am lagging behind by with the help of the teachers who hey was all but too glad to have finally some motivation coming from me myself ... Tag team of Mdm Ee and Mrs Tan salvaged my A maths from F9 to B3 ... Others can criticise all they want ... but to me ... they rock!!!! And after that period of time , hey dun ever think i said it was easy ... it isn't .... that period was one of the toughest to go thru in my 16 years ... (I didnt give no crap to PSLE) ... Everyday was a challenge i didnt want to go for ... every morning i wished it all that was but a nightmare that would end but no... it didnt ...

BUt after all its in always in the deepest valleys that the freshest rivers flow to ... To soak and enjoy the refreshing water u just have to go down ... And only after going down to the deepest valleys would u realise how high the the mountains are .... And after experiencing the realities of life would u appreciate how beautiful the world is ... Eh I am deviating from the topic ....

OK so as a summary and conclusion of the interesting things in this CNY (despite wat i said at the top )

1) Played lots of blackjack ... Won abt $20 against some relatives on my paternal side only to lose them all to those from my maternal side the next day :(

2) First time drank champagne ... Down one whole shot of it ... A burning sensation that begins at the throat down the gullet that lasted several mins ... after that the stomach starts radiating heat ... slight retardation of reaction for a while ....

3) Realised that onions goes well with cucumber and ketupat in satay sauce (personal opinion)

4) FOund out that there are still relatives i never seen before

5)Drank a cup of good quality expensive italian espresso at a gathering in one of the nights that kept me awake tilll abt 3 or 4 am ... Real powerful stuff but taste real good ... Better than singapore's nescafe gold roast , or those hazelnut coffee , or the mocha vanilla flavoured coffee ...

6)Didnt buy any new clothes for CNY simply because i couldnt be bothered to do so ....

7) Had intended to go go the ISTANA open house on tuesday but those zhu peng gou yous (namely benedict , edwin,borui) wanted to go play LAN ... So spent 5 hours dota-ing at azure instead of visiting Uncle NAthan's house ....

8) Realised that there are actually very little close cat high frens with me here in SAJC , (raynold leaving chunhian leaving WTH) ... occured to me cos when i went back to cat high on fri ... realised i was pretty much alone until those VJ NJ AJ gooks arrived (they kinda dominated the whole arena, most of my classmates are there ( poor me in SA , poor keeyong in NY,poor john kuan in TJ ... the few who are in RJ and HC are not worthy to be listed as "poor")

9) Ang pow money set a record low in recent years ... only $*** (due to security reasons ... the above mentioned figure has been censored)

Cant remember anymore ....

No Date ? no prob

2007-02-14T21:31:00.000+08:00

14-02-07

V-day passes second by second as i type out word by word . The irony laughs at me in the face ... NO date ? No prob ... i dun give a crap . Maybe thats lying , I'm cowering behind a mask and shield that I am reluctant to escape from . No I'm not always happy , I'm not that ever cheerful person who carries the world on a trolley and pushes it along if it crashes. I do know wat I want , and I do feel left out .... More than once did I chance upon a close fren or acquaintance out on the street with their mates (with this i mean GFs not er-hum ) , say hi and act as if its nothing I-dun-give-no-shat 'bout this , but somewhere in me something stirs in its socket uneasily . My heart ? Maybe,maybe not , I'll be worried if it ever stopped stirring and beating . But its this hole that desires to be filled , like thirsty wanderer . Yet i dunno wat i want ... I am afraid to show it out , I'm not prepared to commit myself . For this i run , i act , i pretend , i treat it like dirt in a new showroom , clean it , cover it , hide it ... No not that i dun want , I'm just not ready .

To all those eagerly seeking a partner (i mean my age mind you ) , are u really prepared to handle something as fragile as a person's emotions? It might not necessary be yours , her heart (or his) wasn't made to effectively support the immaturity mindset and behaviour . Are u ready to lay it all down for this one shot on your *er-hum* ( is First Love a suitable word ? ) wateva
Seen alot alot of pple of who swore and promised their love only to have it trashed or have trashed it themselves later ... kinda daunts me , i dun ask for much, but a lot more for myself , my first er... wateva ... i dun wanna squander it away on an impulse ... (Am I getting very mushy here argh yeeeee )

Talk about my own V day , guess who i celebrated with ... NO ONE !!! ... Eh wait , does those canoeist guys (pple) count ? Spent the afternoon training under the bloody hot sun whom somehow managed to shoo away the thick black cumulonimbus (chim word for rain clouds ) that was there just a jitter moment ago .... Actually so far the life here at SA has been very eventful , save for boring lectures of which i skillfully converted to replenish rest that was much coveted after .... (if u're confused w that last sentence , its means i slept ! ) ... The class's great the pple's wonderful , do i still need praise u guys more ? Bottom line ... I love SA , and thank God for my results ... It may not have been the best around here ( in fact its not ) but this eliminates my possible dilemma of whether should i have to consider changing schoool ... A lot of ple around me have been faced with this ... And with this result i dun even need to think of taking 4 H2 simply cos i cannot qualify .... If this is His answer to the prayer, then ah ... I dunno wat to say ... One word : trust .... wait ... ONe more : Faith !!! .... uh one last one , no make it two : THANK YOU !!!

Random writings ....

2007-02-13T23:19:00.000+08:00

What a fine day this is ... not much to talk abt .. Guess I'll post something abt MYSELF .....
Well this just me trying to set up a proper blogging or if u like to call it a diary kinda website ... Leaving the age of writing on a book to the age of posting it online for all to see ... ( Believe it or not, I really do have a handwritten Diary ) ... Difference between that is that much of it if u read it (I doubt u'll ever get a chance to ) , u find that most of it is all me MYSELF talking to myself ... The day's events ,some random issues here and there nothing interesting . And the thing is it neva gets longer than two pages , hand dam tired u know ..... haha ....

Coming a little closer here when the transition from Cat High to SAJC gives me a lot to think abt ... Things dun happen the old ways it used to ... still trying to adapt to the difference but hey thks to all those very sporting class mates of mine I;m doing rather fine ... Otherwise if u find me stoning around its probably because like always I'm often lost in a world of my own ... ( dun get the wrong idea , I'm not autistic ) ... JUst that sometimes in a group when everyone is fooling around and making noise and being such a public nuisance (which i kinda enjoy) I quieten down my heart , to relish the moment ( a quick Thank You GOd prayer ) .. only after leaving cat high did i realise the true meaning of the expression "there's no great meeting that never splits "( Chinese translation) ... the fragility of the moment of feeling close together with frens ... hmmm ...
Recently read tiong hui's blog on our old days back in school brings back memories that i regretted not treasuring ... HOw we fooled around , skipped lessons to go lounge to sleep (applies to chen ji ce's remedial ) , mr lee's "gentlemen" speeches that was oh-so-insipring-that-no-one-gave-a-crap :P , creative ways of vandalism ( hey i realised the toilet at lvl 3 still hasnt got its piping fixed the other day when get result ), verbal assaults, mock fights that ended up as wrestling tournaments, the tau-poks and wedgies , sneaking into other classes by removing window panes ( 4-8 or 4-9 had at least 4 panes removed that exposed a hole big enuf for me to comfortably climb in ) , how indrajahdra the indon guy slept thru three lessons in a row , ice shooting competitions in the canteen ( my highest record was a head-shot on someone 4 tables away :D) , the scout days back when we sludged our asses in the mud swamp they called a equipment storage area (heard someone lost his watch there , buried in the crap never to be found ) , how we locked pple in the scout den room and then gas chambered them with leftover deodorant and bunsen burners , the flood prone padi field used as a school field where we had our trainings , endless days carry wood from one place to another only to put them back at the end of the day ,... the list goes on and on ....
All in all they are but now memories to be kept in our hearts , very touching to look back to see the distance we walked ... Because during results day the reality struck me that we , the '06 sec4 catholic high batch may never gather again like this as one batch of students , in this place where we spent the best years of our lives .... I would have cried there and then if I had remembered how to ... Haha come to think of it the days in cat high almost eliminated me of my emotional side , no kidding , i almost forgot how to cry there ... ]

Hmmm back to the present , I really belive that If looking back demoralises u , if lookng up daunts u , if looking down scares u , LOOK IN FRONT !!! I'm sure now the days in SAJC would really be a great time to remember as ... THis time I really will treasure .... haha

Maiden blog ? lolx

2007-02-12T15:45:00.000+08:00

HAhA
this my first new time in attempting to set up something proper ..... In commemoration of this fine day lolx ... Not much time sia later got training ... So I leave it hanging here for next time when logging in again ... Sry for the influx of Noobism in this page i'm trying to learn more abt this .... After a near 2 years w/o internet connection u start to wonder how this world have changed :D ... Feel free to leave some tips along the way to help me leh pls ... i dam blur in this thks to my bro who intro me to this ... haha he more inclined to such stufff .... Lolx talking as if i some old person looking at youngersters ... LAMEography accepted and appreciated , i am one who are in support of lame pple (as in really LAME) ....