I ran out of love.

I grumbled to God why is this so, and I don't understand his reply.

I only trust that He knows what's best, because I'm now lost somewhere between hanging on to faith and wondering why do I even bother. In the face of surmounting evidences and reasons indeed, but somehow I don't feel the urge from my heart to want to return.

Maybe I'm being selfish, maybe I've tipped beyond the point of running on my own strength, and then realizing, perhaps I could just be allowed to do so on my own. Somewhere in my heart, I know its wrong, but I don't know how to remedy that. Its the kind of weakness you'll never want to admit. Not for the sake of ego and all i think.

Now this is so depressing stuff.

But for one moment, to be thankful for the things that have happened in life thus far. University is, wonderful. Maybe. Could be that the elation of the ending of the final exams is still settling in and that I find that life has a meaning once again now. Looking back, the friendships that budded seemingly out of nowhere, shows a promising light. Whereas those of the past seems to have taken a backseat a little, seeing that most of us are out there forging another world of our own.

The knowledge we gained, while awfully dreadful, is meant to serve a higher purpose after all. Certainly there are times I question my own resolve to maintain this path of study, at the very fundamental level of itself; I dislike math. But I love solving the problems. And all the more, I love being curious. And since I have been placed in this place, I might as well excel in it. More importantly, I need to find back the God-loving, excellence-seeking Chen Yang from those years ago.

What better than to do that surrounded by people who accepts your belonging amongst?

Each time I find myself recording another milestone here, pondering about what really went on between the previous post and this, then did it really occur to me the true reality of how quickly time passes when you're not paying attention.

Or was it because there was a flurry of activities that was packed in this period that I felt it was a relief to have it pass over?

Lets see, there was Chingay, and then the job stint at Hougang Pharmacy, and the NDP project. Then came involvement in NUS camps and Rag and everything else became a quick blur because everyday was packed full.

While I'm not inclined to think too much about the negative parts of them, but really, this period of time I made a whole lot of friends and found my social circle being flipped one round over. So much so that when it comes down to deciding which circle to totally commit to, there's the conflict of interest between the groups.

Ok, lets just put it that I'm the kind who wants the pie and eat some of it. Although now to think, I'm making a big mess of it for being not focussed on the important tasks at hand. It quite disappointing to find out that the best that you could give, was not adequate to ensure that things run, even more so knowing that its your heart you cant trust to take you to success. The very act of following the desires of your heart, leads to you becoming the jerk in the eyes of many.

But my intent is pure, I still want to be the good guy. But in this time and age, trying too hard to be that isnt reallly going to get you very far in society. I'm struggling to get over the past mistakes and not be overly concerned with the disapproving glares of others.

So in this start of a new term, a new segment in life, may it be that something meaningful will come out of this. A new kind of experience that promises yet more challenge and a whole lot more of adventure. Maybe then, somewhere, I will find it.

So i thought it be proper to write something down in this important crossroads in life.

Or so i think, save the fact that i'm next to worn out by the weeks and months of involvement in chingay. Not that i'm complaining though; it had been a monumental decision to sign up, but i guess what's different this time round is that now there's so much more than it meets the eye.

If anything learnt, I'll say, one should not take the small little things in each event for granted.

Oh wells, so it goes. My, what, near to 2 years of youth. Pooof, and its gone. What i got was a life changing experience, little thanks to the previous generations. Maybe i was inclined to be passive in this period, but always on the top of the list was to make this time worthwhile. No matter what i was supposed to do.

I feared, i passed, i endured, and i enjoyed this time. Not everything in life has to be gain afterall.

But what's in store for me in this next segment of life, it could be half a year lull, or it could mean the opportunity for another adventure. When i'm done with it, lets not be greedy alright. One step at a time.

God grant me the courage to meet these new challenges, and the opportunities not to be missed.

For now, Chingay comes. who has the heart to care about what ord?

Wow.

It always feels good to sit down and start pondering over the events of each period of life. And more aptly so since a threshold was just passed.

I never really thought much about birthdays, until now. When the love was low and the friends were few, that when i think one can really feel the moment of joy when blessings are piled on.

I'll learn to love this moment after my return to normalcy.

And since i'm here as well....

Its near to the end of all that nonsense this year represented. But still, looking back, we've all grown. To each our own ways, we let go of the former immaturity and take up new challenges. We fall, we get slapped, we walk through the depths of the valleys and we've seen the sky, ultimately, we've grown.

I'm not about to say how much or how little, but a simple fact that as i look at the year that will come to a closure soon, i'm glad at the choices i've made. I've been to Chingay and i'm back in there again. I've picked up my Japanese, i've made my presense felt. And most importantly, I'm back with God again.

Though i'm terribly unfit now, but wells, that can wait:P

The trip overseas with the cell brought much to mind, and soon there'll be more to come. So guess i should see the day again when my heart is healed. Then, the funs truly begins.

I not going to say time passes fast, well at least for this stage. At least its not dreadful like it used to be. Heh on the contrary, I'm limitless thankful for the series of events that happened that brings me to where i am now.

There's time to think, there's time to play, and there's time to pursue an alternative dream.
(save for the fact that there isn't discipline to keep fit).

I know, the experiences in volunteering, be it in the recent Chingay 2010 or otherwise, has helped to widen my view and capacity. Youth and young adults we are, but there's this thought at the back of my mind that we're all growing older.
No longer are we the innocent younglings who remain at our spot waiting to be taught, waiting to be led, to be influenced.

Instead, i find myself in a place where i need to teach, to lead, to bring across an ideology to the sub-generation before me. And to still remain teachable, and guided, a tricky balance that we do not fall for contempt to that of those who have more to teach than us.

Or so to say, those who are younger, but yet achieved more in this stage. I struggled in this before, and not forgetting the grace that brought me here, there wont be so much a full-blown jealously. Maybe a tinge of envy, and with it brings a whole surge of motivation to work towards a higher goal.

Yes there are friends whom i crossed paths with that has brought me a lot of motivation.

Youths we were, and perhaps, still vaguely so. Isnt it time to for us to have revelation of what our future will be like? Beyond the university degrees and job prospects? What is your dream, one that will ultimately define how you lived your life? Should we have started earlier to maintain a headstart advantage to our peers? Or do we stay on and learn more before emabarking on an adventure of our own?

I cant say for sure, but God in his wisdom has His plans for us all.

I guess TT was right. Its nice to have something to mark each stage in life so that theres something you could look back upon and laugh upon it.

It serves too to remind ourselves of the lessons learnt and how to help others in future when they too go through their share of troubles, just like how you received help from others in your own time.


So much have passed and i dont have much to remember it for. Other than the constant reminder of the so many new friends who crossed path with me, its a comforting thought.
Yet with the abundance of time of this 2 year lull in life, we ought to take full use of this opportunity to pickup what we've lost.

To realign those young ambition which seemed to far away not so long ago.

Maybe, but after it wasnt meant for other people to know about anyway. So whats the point of blogging in the public?

Regurgitating words that comes through the mind so others or yourself next time could analyse your state of mind now. I think thats what happening to me. haha

And slowly time is to drift away, again another crossroad was taken.
Just that this time , it was a little disappointment. Well not exactly demoralising, i do welcome that feeling of worth that comes along with it.

BMT passed with a high, an exhilarating finish, and an even better block leave that made me feel like a civilian again. Haha

Random panic seizures about the uncertainties grips me, often leave me wondering about my own capacity to achieve what i set out to do. And relying on raw perseverance and idealogy alone is not going to work everytime. Tested and proven NOT to work. Just look at how many times have I fallen to that temptation.

A reminder to myself to stay firm in that belief, and, always looking toward the liberation of this kind of life. Yea though its our turn to serve NS, though we all promise to do our best to be leaders to be great soldiers to be role models, we just cant wait for it to go away and never come back.

Shooo

Wasnt it all well lived, the month or so time spent in the other world. Well at least that other island felt like a world of its own. It can get pretty hard to cope had it not been the constant encouragement both given and received. Though this is still in its early stage of formation, not battle hardened, its hard to say whether we will last as lifelong brothers, or just a memory that struggles to be maintained.


Safe to say, I'm coping well. Perhaps just need to pick up that outspokened side of me so as to maximise the time in there. No point living it all low-profile and let the time pass by is it?

On another note, movie at Eugene's place , Men of Honour, brought up my bugging matter at hand.

Do i really want a place in the navy?
Do i really know what i'm getting into.

I'm trapped in a passivity, knowing that nothing much i could do to affect the probability of really making it to the Navy, or for that case, qualify for OCS would be a more tangible goal to aim, and continue down the path from there.
Still there's that colour vision test to pass, which is another story on its own.

God willing, I can. Otherwise, there's no talk about it.